OK, we have to admit … the Men Tell All show is like, our favorite episode of every season. We always look forward to it, and we love watching it. But not for the reasons you might think. Yes, we love seeing the contestants rehash all the drama, and we like seeing the Bachelorette confront the guys who were there to promote their business ventures and become famous and all that nonsense. But none of that is as entertaining as watching the audience’s reactions to what is unfolding before them. There is nothing better! If we didn’t get to see 85 different camera shots of these women making the judge-iest faces ever, what would be the point of this show?! That’s right. There would be no point.
The same goes for our recap. What would be the point of this stupid thing if we didn’t include these women and their reactions? So, of course, we will. And they were on point last night. If you’ve never really paid much attention to these women, prepare yourself. Because you are in for a real treat. So, without further ado, we present to you our Men Tell All recap (featuring the most judgmental women the producers could find):
Chris Harrison is such a little skeeze.
Of course, there’s no way we were going to write a recap without poking fun at Chris Harrison. He always gives us so much ammo. This week, it was his skeeze-y behavior while crashing Bachelor Nation viewing parties with Des. As they approach the first house, Chris comes up with the brilliant idea of creeping on the girls by watching them through the window.
UMMM, NO, CHRIS. Just walk up to the front door and knock like a normal human being. Don’t be such a creep.
Babies! Babies everywhere!
As the party-crashing continues, Ashley, J.P., Jason, Molly (plus the baby) and Trista (sans Ryan) show up.
Oh, what fun (it is to ride in a one-horse … oops, wrong context)! Anyway, they’re all laughing and having a great time passing around Jason and Molly’s new kid and some other random baby when Ashley shoots this look at J.P. that screamed, “Give me babies! Now!” OK, she didn’t really do that (that we saw), but she does look ready to be a mom.
Then, there was this awkward moment when Des attempted to get in on the baby action (not the action of making babies, just the action of hanging out with them). But she was promptly rejected when the random baby refused to accept her rose.
He was looking at her all funny when the Toyota RAV4 Genie suddenly appeared and translated what the little guy was saying: “Nuh uh, I’ve been watching yo crazy a** on TV. I don’t want noo parts of that.”
Apparently, that baby and Brooks are on the same page. …Too harsh?
“SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS! EVERYYYBODYYY!” — Chris Harrison
Man, Chris Harrison was on a roll last night. Crashing Bachelor Nation viewing parties just wasn’t enough for him. After everyone had gotten a few drinks in them, he insisted that they all get on the party bus.
We didn’t get to see much of what happened, but we assume that’s because the rager they threw wasn’t suitable for network television. C’mon, you know the big CH was poppin’ bottles and pouring shots.
Such a little skeeze…
Emily is so frickin’ awesome.
After we watched Chris Harrison and the gang crash parties, we got to see a clip of Des getting some advice from Emily, Ali and Ashley. And, boy, did this make us miss Emily. We just loved how she would put people in their place (ahem, Kalon).
Now, if only Des would tell these guys off the way we know Emily would. She doesn’t care if it’s the guys from her season or the guys from Des’ season. She obviously has NO problem telling people like it is. Case in point:
“HOW WAS HOLLYWOOD? DID YOU GO GET YOUR DRINKS?” — Emily on Ben
Des doesn’t have those kind of balls.
OH MY GOD, IT’S JUAN PABLO!
And the crowd goes wild!
This lady was fantasizing about Juan Pablo.
We love you Juan Pablo! You can be our Lone Ranger anytime.
“I really sucked that night.” — Creepy Fantasy Suite Guy
Yes you did, Creepy Fantasy Suite Guy. Yes you did. We’re judging you.
Jonathan’s apology was going well, until he said, “I just want people to know that it was a joke gone wrong.” Excuse me? A joke gone wrong? More like your true thoughts were coming out because you were wasted. I think Zak’s shirtless entrance is what you would call “a joke gone wrong.” Nonetheless, his apology seemed very sincere and he handled himself well last night, so we’ll let it slide.
Ben takes the Hot Seat.
And all the women in the audience go “BOOOOOOO!” and make their signature judge-y faces.
Also, if you were wondering if you heard someone hissing at Ben, you did. That happened.
Anyway, as Ben was trying to, once again, defend himself, some tan guy named Dan stepped in and was all like, “I MET YO BABY MAMA! SHE SAID YOUS LYIN’! Basically, I was mindin’ my own business when she came up to me and told me you suck. She said you didn’t ask for custody of Brody until after this show! She said that you ain’t never been around! And THEN she told me that you cheated on your girlfriend at the time with her!”
And the peanut gallery was like:
And Ben was like:
And Michael was like, “I taught you how to impeach well, young grasshopper.”
Oh, and by the way, Juan Pablo is perfect.
So, in the midst of this whole fiasco, Zak manages to set the record straight by reminding us that Juan Pablo is perfect.
He compares Juan Pablo to Ben by saying that he managed to bring his daughter up in nearly every conversation, while Ben hardly mentioned Brody. We thought that was super sweet, but these women, well, they went a little crazy…
Michael is a federal prosecutor, in case you forgot.
After the Ben drama, it was James’ turn to get in the Hot Seat. A clip showing the drama between James and the guys is played, and we are once again reminded that Michael, like Elle Woods, feels comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life. Here’s how a piece of the clip went:
James: “IT’S HEARSAY!”
Michael: “IT’S NOT HEARSAY! I KNOW WHAT HEARSAY IS BECAUSE I’M A FEDERAL PROSECUTOR AND YOU’RE USING IT IN THE WRONG CONTEXT!” (We made that last sentence up.)
Meanwhile, this woman shakes her head disapprovingly.
Then, it cuts back to the Men Tell All stage, and the argument continues. At one point during this back-and-forth battle, James retorts, “I had four guys prosecuting me!”
Of course, the camera immediately cuts to Michael, who is so obviously thinking to himself, “Damn right I was. ‘Cause that’s what I do. I’m a federal prosecutor! I do this errday, boy.”
“You said this guy [Michael] s-ed your d off camera!” — Kasey
When Kasey oh-so delicately reminded James that he made this immature comment, the judge-y women went wild!
They couldn’t have held back their emotions, even if Mike Fleiss had ordered them to.
SILENCE! JUAN PABLO IS SPEAKING!
The producers have heard our pleas! They’re letting him speak! And this is basically the gist of what he said:
James is not worthy enough to date his daughter OR his sister!
The women swoon.
He’s committed to being a father.
He’s not a player.
He wants to settle down and have two more kids.
He’s a family man.
He just wants someone he can go to sleep with at night and then wake up and have breakfast with in the morning.
Ohh, Juan Pablo, we can fill that void for you. How do you like your eggs?
Zak makes his case to become the next Bachelor.
It was a tough act to follow, but Zak got up to the Hot Seat with those sad puppy eyes and did a pretty darn good job winning the crowd over.
He admitted that he’s still in love with Des and he’s had a hard time finding love. Then, he let Chris Harrison read his secret message to Des, and all the women get the sadz.
So, now we’re torn. We can’t decide if we want Zak or Juan Pablo to be the next Bachelor. Ugh. Decisions, decisions.
Praise the Lord! Des took some of Emily’s advice!
Dang, Des! When did you grow a pair of lady balls? We expected her to let the guys walk all over her, but she held her own, we must admit! She had no problem telling Ben that she felt he was insincere and that she never really knew who he was.
And she CERTAINLY didn’t mind telling James off! On multiple occasions, she accused him of manipulating her, being dishonest and even being there for the wrong reasons! GASP!
Four for you, Des! You go, Des!
No! No more songs! No more poems! No more anything!
Oh, Zak. You just had to go there, didn’t you? You just had to sing the girl a song. Somebody at ABC wants to torture us. They want us to suffer.
Even Des didn’t want to hear it. When Zak told her he wrote her a song, she was like, “Ohhhhh no.” But don’t get confused. That wasn’t a “this is such a sweet gesture” type of “oh no.” It was more like, “Ohhhhh no. This is so awkward. For the love of God, please don’t make me sit through this.”
We’re right there with ya, Des.
Also, this one girl actually cried after the song.
Like, are you effing kidding me? Pull yourself together! It wasn’t that sad.
We have two comments about the bloopers:
1. The hollering back and forth between Chris and Juan Pablo was HILARIOUS. That is totally something we
would do. Our roommates probably hate us. Merp.
2. Chris and Des DESERVED to fall off of that rock. That’s what you get for writing a poem, putting it in a bottle and throwing it into the ocean! The poor, tortured soul who had to read that stupid poem is probably glad you fell! Like Lil Wayne said … what goes around, comes around like a hula hoop.
That is all.
Chris Harrison ain’t playin’.
So, according to Chris Harrison, this two-part finale is supposed to be the most dramatic finale IN THE HISTORY OF THE SHOW! He was like, “Guys, I’m dead serious! This finale really IS going to be the most dramatic ever. I ain’t messin’ witchu this time!”
And this b was like, “Oh my God, you guys! He’s serious! He really means it!”
And this girl was like, “Good God, Chris. Stop saying that. We all know you’re full of it.
Then, the preview plays, and everyone is like this: “Oh my God! He really ISN’T joking!”
See you fools next week.
She asked me how to spell orange.
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.
“You’re in a relationship with 25 guys. It’s reality.” — James
BOY, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? IS YOU STUPID? YOU BETTER START ACTIN’ RIGHT!
Seriously, look at the mouth on this guy! Did he actually call Des out like she did something wrong just to deflect the attention away from what he did? Des needed to go over there and put that boy in his place! Can we get an amen?! It’s not like dating 25 guys is her everyday, normal behavior. She’s on a television show, you douche. Go get on your boat and stop retweeting all the people who support you. You’re clogging up our news feed.
Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.
Images on this blog are the property of ABC or their respectful owners.