Wait, what’s this? Are the Glen Cocos actually up on a Friday?
Yes, they are. We promised y’all we’d do better and we keep our promises. You see, we might go rogue sometimes, but we always right the ship. We wish we could say the same for Des, who has clearly lost it, considering she is insisting on telling everyone, their mother and Chris Harrison that she’s gaga for Brooks. STICK TO THE SCHEDULE, DES. You aren’t supposed to reveal what’s in your heart for another three weeks! We’re pretty bummed that Des has gone rogue and so we have this to say to her: NO CANDY GRAMS FOR YOU, DES. Not one, not two, not three and CERTAINLY not four.
Anyways, Des might have revealed who has won her heart, but there’s no way she can spoil these awards because we make them up as we go along. If you’re new here, here’s how the Glen Cocos work:
Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.
The Taylor Swift Songwriting Award
Congrats, Waddell family! Your songwriting prowess puts you in the same company as Ms. Swift. There’s one difference though — we’re pretty sure Taylor writes her own songs. We’re not convinced y’all did. Zak told Des that his family had finished his original song with their opinions of Des. Well, we call BS on that. When would they find the time? They met Des once. They had to all talk to her. Songwriting isn’t as easy as it looks. And they managed to put the new song arrangement together without Des even noticing? We’re not buying it. We think Zak wrote that entire song and his siblings just jumped in to share the glory. Nice try, Waddell family, but we’re on to you.
The Wait, Is That An Actual Medical Procedure Award
What the heck is this?
Is this a medical procedure, Chris’ dad, or are you some made-up nose scientist? Do you think that procedure will clear one’s sinuses? Because if so, imma need to get on that stat. I haven’t been able to smell since, like, 1998. Anyways, the best part of this whole scene was Chris’ admission that this is how he bonds with his dad. Um, say what? You bond with your dad by letting him stick something up your nose and sucking snot out of it? Weird. Chris’ dad gets this award because that’s just plain inventive bonding time.
The Sink or Swim Award
Brooks, don’t stand up in a rowboat. We can’t believe we have to explain this to you. Those things are tippy. You should really only stand up in boats that have a motor. And by motor, we mean one you have to put gas in and stuff, not one where you serve as the motor. This might be mean, but they don’t call us the Burn Book for nothing … we wish they’d capsized. That would have been super funny and it’s not like there are alligators in Utah. Also, can you imagine what Brooks’ hair looks like wet? Probably like a dog after a bath.
The It’s Raining Rings Award
You know, our mamas always told us not to chuck things out of car windows. That’s littering, Zak, even if it’s a diamond ring. You could put someone’s eye out with that thing AND you could lose an arm by stickin’ it out there. What if that limo driver had been passing a pole or something? Seriously. That was dangerous. And did he chuck it like a line drive out the window? It would have been so much more effective to throw it up into the air. Imagine if you were just walking down the street, minding your own business and you got conked in the head with a diamond ring? Not a bad way to end the day. Anyways, people, don’t try throwing rings out the window at home. Keep that thing and either return it to the store or sell it on Ebay like a normal person.
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