Week 8: Power Rankings

We’re switching things up this week. The old Power Rankings rulebook is being temporarily thrown out because this season has become a little boring and why not.

The point of Power Rankings is to kind of guess and make predictions about what the Bachelor or Bachelorette is thinking on a week-to-week basis. But apparently, Des likes to speak in stream of consciousness and tell everybody exactly what she’s thinking the moment she’s thinking it. Soo, guessing is no longer necessary. Moral of this story? Des is a buzzkill.

But, we’re Bachelor Burn Book, so of course, we found a way to keep the party going. So, here’s what we’re gonna do:

We are going to give you five reasons why each guy from the top four (thanks for the rule of thumb, James) should become the next Bachelor and five reasons why he shouldn’t. Then, we’ll give you our highly-valued opinion on whether or not we think we can tolerate watching [insert name here] on TV for two and a half months. Everyone seems to be talking about who’s going to be the next Bachelor anyway, so we thought now would be the appropriate time to throw our two cents in. ABC/Bachelor executives: feel free to use this as a guide during this extremely important decision-making process.

Note: The guys will still be ranked according to the order that Des laid out for CH — just to keep a Power Rankings-ish feel to it. Also, we’ll briefly explain why they’re ranked where they are, just in case some of you were wasted or not paying attention (both very likely scenarios) these past two weeks.

1. Brooks

brooks

Last week: #1 (Shocking!)

No surprise here. The only way Brooks is leaving this spot is if he takes himself out of the competition … if you even want to call it that anymore. Because we all know that Des would catch a grenade for him (yeahh, yeahh), throw her hand on a blade for him (yeahh, yeahh). She’d jump in front of a train for him (yeahh, yeahh). You know she’d do anything for him (yeahh, yeahh). Ohh, ohh. She would go through all this pain, take a bullet straight through her brain. Yes, she would die for him, baby. But he won’t do the same. No, no, no, no. (You were supposed to sing that part to yourself, FYI).

Why he should be the Bachelor:

  1. He’s nice, I guess.
  2. He likes to use cheesy metaphors.
  3. Ummm…
  4. He has a nice family, so that’s good…
  5. We don’t have a fifth reason.

Why he shouldn’t be the Bachelor:

  1. He’s not quick to fall in love.
  2. He can’t sort out his feelings with one girl, let alone 25.
  3. His hair sucks, and his voice isn’t manly enough.
  4. He’s too quiet/shy/reserved.
  5. One time, he wore a truly heinous cardigan.

Brooks' cardigan

Our conclusion: Umm, obviously we do not think Brooks would make a good Bachelor. This show needs someone who is carefree, outgoing and willing to fall in love with like, four people at once. He has to throw his inhibitions to the wind as quickly as Courtney Robertson threw her clothes off to go skinny dipping.

Skinny-Dipping-Bachelor

And, most importantly, the Bachelor has to have hair that doesn’t even come close to resembling Ben Flajnik’s. Basically, Brooks is just too normal for the job. He’s cautious. He’s calculated. He actually, you know, takes time to fall in love. And this reality show just cannot have someone as realistic as that. Besides, we don’t really like Brooks, so that also probably has something to do with why we don’t want him to be the next Bachelor.

2. Chris

chris panic attack

Last week: #2

Chris loves Des, and Des kinda loves Chris. But she loves Chris less than she loves Brooks. The end.

Why he should be the Bachelor:

  1. He is super, super cute.
  2. He’s got nice muscles.
  3. Those regular nose adjustments would give him added sex appeal.
  4. He friggin’ loves loves loves reading and writing poetry.
  5. Out of all the guys, he would probably be the most ready to settle down at the end of the process.

Why he shouldn’t be the Bachelor:

  1. He friggin’ loves loves loves reading and writing poetry.
  2. He’d probably be a little boring.
  3. He might take the show a little too seriously (but not like AshLee serious).
  4. He’s not super outgoing or goofy.
  5. He just doesn’t really have that “wow” factor.

Our conclusion: We wouldn’t mind seeing Chris as the next Bachelor, but we’re not thrilled with the idea either. He is an incredibly genuine, humble guy, and he would have the best of intentions going into the process. We’re sure he’d be open to finding love and getting married and writing poems for all 25 women and … zzzzzzzz. Snoozefest. These are all wonderful qualities to have as the Bachelor, but he needs to be a little more … exciting. His good looks and genuine motives won’t be enough to keep us all entertained. Also, we just don’t know how much more poetry we can handle listening to … so there’s that.

3. Drew

drew 2

Last week: #3

Welp, by process of elimination, Drew ends up third. Des thinks he’s hot and she likes making out with him, but she’d still rather write a poem for Chris or catch a grenade for Brooks.

Why he should be the Bachelor:

  1. He’s the hottest guy out of the top four.
  2. His abs and his pecs and those biceps … mmm. Perfecto.
  3. He is so sweet and kind and genuine.
  4. He seems ready to find love, settle down and start a family.
  5. You KNOW he won’t have a problem making out with 25 women.

Why he shouldn’t be the Bachelor:

  1. All you hooligans insist he’s gay.
  2. Everyone would just make comments about him being gay for three months.
  3. He sometimes puts too much gel in his hair.
  4. Again, nobody is going to get behind a Bachelor who they think is gay. (Teehee. Sorry, just had to make the joke. No one get offended, please.)
  5. See reasons 1, 2 and 4.

Our conclusion: Personally, we would love to see Drew as the next Bachelor, but we have to stop trying to make it happen. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

Stop trying to make fetch happen

Bachelor Nation has made up its mind about Drew, and nothing is going to change that perception now. America has to love who the Bachelor is, and most people don’t love Drew. So, if we had to guess, ABC isn’t going to pick someone who’s ALREADY being made fun of. To choose a guy who they know upfront is a non-fan-favorite would be a disaster. Too bad though ‘cause he’s hot (Drew, hit us up aaaaanytime.)

Eliminated

4. Zak

bye zak

Poor Zak. He was so sad. And to make things worse, ABC forced him to chuck a perfectly good ring out the window because Neil Lane called The Bachelorette execs in a fit of rage. It just didn’t end well for the kid. We do have some good news though…

Why he should be the Bachelor:

  1. He’s got a pretty darn good body — specifically his abs.
  2. He’s a decently good-looking guy.
  3. We would get to see his hot brother again.
  4. He, by far, has the best sense of humor and is very outgoing.
  5. He’s ready to commit to a relationship.

Why he shouldn’t be the Bachelor:

  1. His skin is sometimes of the orange variety.
  2. His hair is too tall.
  3. He always looks tired.
  4. He’s kind of a shitty painter.
  5. He probably isn’t ready to settle down because he wants to go on adventures every day of his life.

Our conclusion: Ding ding ding! We have a winner! As you can see, we had a tough time coming up with reasons why Zak shouldn’t be the next Bachelor. So what if he has bags under his eyes and he has a horrible spray tan? Those things can be fixed. He would make an awesome Bachelor. He’s funny, goofy, carefree, genuine and just an all-around good guy. You know he’d make this next season an exciting one. Besides, we’d never run out of jokes to make with all the goofy shit he does. Important people within the Bachelor franchise, in case you’re reading, consider this to be our official nomination of Zak for Bachelor.

Who do you want to see as the next Bachelor? Leave us your thoughts in the comments section or vote in our poll, yo.

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

Images on this blog are the property of ABC or their respectful owners.

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