Ahh, hometowns. It’s nice to see you.
Hometowns are basically the most important episode of the entire Bachelorette season. It’s the turning point, if you will. Some seasons, though, we run into the dilemma we had on Monday night, and that’s when all the hometowns go well and you know that hearts are about to go breakin’.
So while there might not have been any obnoxious brothers (at least until they returned to the Bachelor Mansion) or trips to the embalming table, there’s still LOTS to talk about with these families.
The World According To Zak Waddell (And Ryan Lochte)
So, part of our job as Bachelor bloggers is watching each episode approximately eleventy billion times (actually, three). And the first time we saw Zak tell Des about his “dream” we were all WTF?
Snow and melting and screaming kids? Then when we watched it back, we realized his dream was more like a premonition for what he and Des are going to be doing on their date. His whole spiel reminded us of this video we saw with Ryan Lochte before the 2008 Olympics. It was when we first learned that Lochte was a few lanes short of an Olympic swimming pool.
See for yourself.
Yeah, our thoughts exactly, Des.
Feeding the world…
…one snow cone at a time. You know those snow cones were fo’ free because otherwise Des and Zak would have been counting nickels and dimes and trying to barter with gum and pieces of lint. No one goes hungry in Bachelor World, unless you’re a contestant. If you’re not a contestant, you get FREE SNOW CONES!
“It’s too damn hot for a penguin to just be walking around.” — Billy Madison/Des
Zak’s penguin costume forced us to check our wine bottles to make sure that we hadn’t drank all the wine and passed out, Billy Madison style. We hadn’t so it’s all good. Either way, we’re betting that Des might have had some Billy Madison-style flashbacks when Zak came out in that penguin suit.
Zak has brought shame upon the Waddell household.
Their faces when they found out how Zak entered shirtless the first night were priceless. Way to embarrass all the Waddells of the world, Zak. They’d rather you dress up and dance around like a penguin than show your abs of steel on Night One of The Bachelorette!
Also, while we’re talking about the faces of the Waddells, here’s Denton. Holla, boy.
Neil Lane is NOT happy.
Neil Lane has a monopoly on Bachelor romance! Every ring must come from Neil’s collection! He doesn’t mind, because he almost always gets them back a year or two after the season is over anyway! Who does this Zak Waddell think he is? Neil Lane is taking this matter up with the powers that be (aka Chris Harrison) and it’s very likely that Zak will not be around much longer! No one … we repeat, NO ONE buys a ring when Neil Lane has a perfectly fine one waiting for them!
Bring this girl back to our family, would you?
Drew’s family situation isn’t typical, so watching his hometown date unfold on Monday made us tear up a bit. He treated his sister with so much love and you could just tell that Des could totally see herself fitting in with his family.
We really don’t have many snarky comments to make about Drew’s date, so we’re going to leave you with pictures of Mr. Gorgeous himself, because it’s Recap Day and we’re feeling generous.
Des steals Zak’s idea for a present.
How disappointed do y’all think Zak was to see Des use his picture book idea ONE WEEK AFTER HE GIVES IT TO HER?! Des decided to draw all these pictures to depict her relationship with Chris, and Zak’s probably back in Texas like, “Wait, did she even use the same sketchbook I used? I have the sadz.” Chris was all excited about this “original” gesture. It’s the thought that counts, right?
SHE CAN CATCH!
The only thing that makes Chris more excited than receiving a stick figure portrait of his love on a reality dating show? Finding out that his love can play baseball. He was shocked.
He couldn’t stop talking about it. He mentioned it over and over, including to his parents. Anyway, after the baseball/picture/picnic date, he and Des set out to his abode, leaving the remnants of their lunch on the baseball field. After all, why clean up when The Bachelorette interns can do it instead?
Chris’ dad is an exorcist, but he calls it a chiropractor.
Chris’ dad is doing voodoo. He’s crackin’ backs, suckin’ snot out of people’s noses, doing mini counseling sessions on his operating table, the whole shebang.
We half-expected Des’ head to start spinning around like crazy when he cracked her neck. Way to promote your practice, Chris’ dad.
We’re not crying, it’s just dusty in here.
At first, Chris’ family is kinda scary. They’re all judge-y about his last girlfriend and tell him he’s not in the real world (which is true), but then his mom gives a sweet speech about how he had wished Des would be the Bachelorette and oh, by golly, it turned out to be true! Yeah, we teared up a little bit because it was mad adorbs.
Unsinkable ships sink…
…Especially when Brooks is the captain. After a heart-to-heart where Des reads Brooks a laundry list of memories from the past like, five weeks and we have to remind ourselves who exactly is chasing who here, Brooks takes Des on a boat.
He tries to be all cutesy or something and nearly capsizes the whole thing. They start taking on water but don’t worry, because obvs the producers threw them a bucket or something or they sent an intern to bail the boat out. Don’t worry, guys. No one drowns on The Bachelorette. You’re more at risk on The Bachelor, especially when Sean Lowe is forcing you to propel down a building.
Brooks and Des, this ain’t Sea World. It’s as real as it gets. You’re on a boat, MFer’s, don’t you ever forget (to paddle and not stand up because you’ll capsize it, BROOKS).
Sorry. Here’s the video.
(At least it’s better than Right Reasons.)
Brooks’ family is so large, it probably needs its own military and currency.
This was basically the population of a small country. People kept crawling out of the walls and from under the chairs and stuff with name tags and button downs and exquisite hair. How do they feed all these people? Is it always potluck style? This family seems awesome and also like they can do really cool things, like field entire football games and stuff.
We gots a bad feeling about this…
Brooks is seeking lots of advice from his family. This is cute, but also worrisome. It’s pretty late in the game to be having doubts. We’re going to pretend like this isn’t really happening and are going to use this section of the recap to point out that Brooks’ mom told him he was her favorite! Out of all those kids! Four for you, Brooks!
And it’s super boring. All he does is basically grunt and you can definitely tell Des doesn’t want to be there. They haven’t even talked since the Sean debacle! Anyway, Nate isn’t even listening half the time.
Des looks like she swallowed a lemon.
Pillow talk with Chris Harrison!
Chris has really been earning his paycheck these last few episodes. He established himself as the greatest interviewer of our generation (move over, Diane Sawyer) last week when he got Des to spill all her feelings about Brooks. And he’s fixing to win a national award or something, thanks to his ability to get Des to talk about how she pictures a proposal from Brooks. Remember us little people when you make it to the big time, Chris Harrison.
Hasta luego, Zak.
Here’s how Billy “Des” Madison sent Zak home: “It’s too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin’ around here. I gotta send him back to the South Pole (Dallas).” And so she did. Zak was sad, so he decided to give a homeless guy an early Christmas present and chuck a ring out the window.
Confession: the first time we watched this episode, we thought the ring was something out of a gumball machine, like a silly romantic gesture. It wasn’t. It’s actually probably pretty expensive. Our b.
She asked me how to spell orange.
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.
“Do you think that duck couple over there met like we did?” — Brooks
No, Brooks. We don’t. Approximately four married couples ON THIS PLANET have met through this particular dating show and one of them picked the wrong person the first time around. You two are truly two in a bajillion.
Also, here’s a picture of lurker Nate for posterity. We hope he’ll be back.
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