Welp, Power Rankings should be pretty easy this week. Why, you ask? Umm, because DES GAVE AWAY THE ENDING. SURPRISE! She’s already made up her mind. She’s reached the finish line with Brooks. The rest of the season is just a formality. Let’s all pack up our wine glasses and go home. Forgive us for ranting, but isn’t this show supposed to have an element of mystery to it? TMI, Des! We really didn’t want to know right now (ahem, producers and/or editors), but thanks anyway for telling us who you think you’re going to pick. We’ll surely be watching the rest of this season with bated breath.
Normally, we include our standard explanation of how the Power Rankings work, but it really isn’t necessary this week. There’s only one thing you need to know:
We chose this order because Des laid it out for us pretty clearly. As we’ve established, being mysterious isn’t exactly her forte.
Try to act surprised when you see Brooks is first.
Last week: #4
GASP! Can you believe it?! Brooks, #1?! Noo! We definitely didn’t see that comin’!
OK, we’ll stop being sarcastic for like three seconds so we can talk about Brooks and Des’ relationship. We have two concerns here:
First of all, Brooks isn’t in love with Des. Des loves Brooks, but he doesn’t love her back. She’s at the finish line, and he’s still casually jogging. That’s problematic. We have reason to believe that Brooks wins … because, you know, Des pretty much conceded that she’s going to pick him. BUT, it is definitely possible that Brooks bails. We could see him voluntarily leaving because his feelings “just aren’t where they need to be.” Or, Des might realize that they’re not on the same level, and she might reluctantly, hesitantly, heartbrokenly send him home. It doesn’t seem likely to us, but it could happen.
Our second concern is more related to our previous rant: Des’ decision to tell America that she’s in love with Brooks. It was not a smart idea — mainly because he is not on the same page as her. But also, what if she ends up picking one of the other guys? He’s now watching Des tell Chris Harrison that she’s “at the finish line” with Brooks, and they haven’t even gone on hometown dates yet. We imagine that would not sit well with Chris, Zak or Drew (if one of them wins). It just seems so stupid to openly word vomit her feelings so early on. Not only does it kind of take the fun out of watching the show, but it could definitely create some doubt in the mind of the guy she picks (if it’s not Brooks). She could be setting herself up for a loss here.
So yeah, Brooks is first because Des said he was. But if Brooks doesn’t start running a little faster, this relationship might crash and burn.
Last week: #2
As you might’ve guessed, Chris is second because Des told everyone that Chris is second. She admitted that she feels strongly about Chris but still has her sights set on Brooks. Personally, we think Chris is the best option for her. He really cares about Des and is 100 percent ready to commit to a relationship. They just look like they belong together. Maybe because they kind of look alike? Irregardless, we fully support this union.
Seriously, how could Des NOT get excited at the thought of communicating to her future husband solely through poetry? Don’t you see, Des? You can’t do that with Brooks! You’d have to find different ways to spice up your marriage with him (get your minds out of the gutter, y’all). Alls we’re saying is that Chris would be a really, really good choice for Des. He’s cute, thoughtful, romantic and … you know, actually feels the same way about her that she does about him.
Last week: #3
No change here either because, well, you already know why. We were going to put Drew second this week, but Des’ over-sharing session with Chris Harrison kind of ruined that whole plan. Anyway, the reason Drew was going to be second is because his relationship really took off with Des this week. Now, you might be saying, “How so? He was on the two-on-one date. He was slow as shit in that go-kart.” Allow us to explain.
First of all, the two-on-one date was actually kind of a good thing this time because it was the only date where a rose was up for grabs. Automatically, that meant Des was already seriously considering meeting both Zak and Drew’s families. Definitely a good thing. But also, Des had a moment with Drew this week. What moment, you ask? It was the moment when she started falling in love with him. It happened right after he got done talking about his family. Riiiiiiight about here:
That’s totally an “I’m falling for you” look. Good work, Drew. Good work.
Last week: #1
Well, Des didn’t really talk about Zak as much as the other guys in her heart-to-heart with CH, so we can only assume that means he’s fourth on Des’ list. Not a whole lot happened between these two this week (bummer) … probably because Des was using her time with Zak to ponder whether she was running or at the finish line with Brooks. But Zak was still on a high from his one-on-one date last week. So much so that he decided to draw a few more pictures for Des. Apparently, they were supposed to show the timeline of their relationship, but we weren’t really paying attention because we were too disappointed that said drawings looked like this…
And not like this…
Such a let-down. Zak definitely would’ve gotten the two-on-one rose if he had made Des look like the girl from The Ring again.
OK, we just had to use this Mean Girls quote for Michael’s departure. Note: this would have worked so much better if he had gotten sent home a few weeks ago. But, oh well. Whatever. We’ll do it live.
See, Michael? That’s the thing with you drama-starters. You think everybody is in love with you when, actually, everybody HATES you. Like, Des Hartsock, for example. She broke up with Ben and guess what? SHE STILL DOESN’T WANT YOU. So, why are you still messing with people, Michael? I’ll tell you why. Because you are a mean
girl guy! You’re a jerk!
…And we want our pink shirt back! We want our pink shirt back!
Again, this would have worked perfectly if he had been sent home after the two-on-one date … or even after the James drama. But we couldn’t resist. It had to be done. Also, Michael, we don’t hate you.
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