This was it. It happened. This was the episode — you know, that one episode that we’re inevitably subjected to every season — when the contestants turn everything they do into a metaphor for love. Every friggin’ year, it happens without fail. One of the guys could simply be putting on sunscreen and he would be like, “This reminds me a lot of my relationship with Des. I’m going to protect Desiree like I’m protecting my skin from the sun’s harmful rays.” Like, are you freaking kidding me? Does every little thing you do have to be related to love? Apparently, yes, it does. If you were trying to stifle your vomit during last night’s episode, you may not want to read on because this recap will include lots and lots of metaphors. You have been warned.
HELLO, MADEIRA! WEEEEEEE’RE HERE!
This week, Des and the gang found themselves on the beautiful island of Madeira, where the stray cats are plentiful and the people are not.
The sun was shining and the atmosphere seemed just right for an abundance of picnic lunches, cheesy metaphors and confessions of love. After the guys arrived on the island, they went to check out their villa, where we AGAIN saw this:
What is with the twin beds being pushed together all the time? Is this a popular thing to do in Europe? Why not just keep them separate? Or, if you want to have a larger bed, why not just buy a full or queen-size mattress? We find this sleeping arrangement so very odd, but it got us thinking … this might not be such a bad idea for a married couple. Think about how convenient it would be. When romance is in the air, you pull your husband’s bed in a little closer. And when he’s pissing you off, just separate the beds and put his in the corner — far away from you. Freakin’ brilliant. You’re welcome, married women.
BLEEP BLEEP BLEEPITY BLEEP.
Unexpectedly, the most exciting part of the episode happened within the first five minutes because Catherine, Lesley and Jackie from last season show up!
And their conversation with Des was absolutely hilarious. The girls start gossiping about Des’ men, and of course, the guys show up as this is taking place. So, naturally, Catherine whips out the most giant binoculars ever like a total creeper.
They pass around Hagrid’s binoculars for a few minutes, pressure the guys to take their clothes off and then get back to gossiping. We find out Brooks has the nicest eyes, Zak is the most adventurous and Drew is the best kisser/has the best body (no surprise there). Then, Catherine just gets right down to it and asks, “Who BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP?”
One more time, just in case you missed that: “Who BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP?” That’s right, folks. She asked Des who has the biggest wang.
And the winner is … Chris! We love Catherine even more than we already did for asking that. Four for you, Catherine! You go, Catherine!
By the way, if there are any guys reading this, just know that this is EXACTLY how girls talk to each other. If you tell your girlfriend something, it is safe to assume that her friends will know everything within 24 hours.
It’s time for the first round of metaphors!
Brooks gets the first one-on-one date, and Des is super excited to have the best day of her life … since last week. Brooks admits he doesn’t know how to act because he’s only been on group dates lately, but he manages to quiet his fears and pull himself together in time for the date.
After cruising around in their convertible Smart Car and coming up with stupid ways to describe where they’re at on the “falling in love” meter, they happen upon a mountain. But this wasn’t just any mountain. This was a mountain … in the clouds.
It was perfect. Just perfect watching Des and Brooks sit there together in the clouds. You know, it kinda reminded us of them falling in love actually…
It’s like they’re on Cloud Nine.
Des’ head is in the clouds.
She really thinks Brooks is soo dreamy.
It’s like these two are just lost in the clouds staring into each other’s eyes.
We’re just getting warmed up, people.
Brooks is a little cloudy on how he feels about Des.
So, after the two came down from Cloud Nine, they went to dinner. Des was practically gushing over Brooks, but it sure didn’t seem like the feeling was mutual. Here’s just a snippet of what happened during this date:
Des: “Soo, Brooks, I kind of love you.”
Brooks smiles and looks down at his untouched food.
Brooks (in the confessional): “I’m in a pensive state. It’s great that Des is in love with me. I’m just not there. I need more time.”
Des: “I want to make sure you want me to meet your family.”
Brooks: “Soo, yeah, about those adjectives we were discussing earlier … Where do you think you’re at on the scale? I’d say we’re…”
Des: “I’m running…”
Brooks: “Oh, wait. You’re running? I was going to say jogging…”
Brooks (in the confessional): “I still have a lot of questions. I appreciate Des’ … umm, calculations, but I’m just a little behind…”
Does that sound good to you? Because it sounds to us like Brooks is wavering. Almost like his feelings are a little foggy right now…
After Des and Brooks get through a somewhat awkward dinner, the producers (we assume) tell them to go look out over the water and makeout. As they’re following Elan’s orders, fireworks start going off. Can you believe it?! We’ve never seen that happen on this show before. Even if it was a recycled idea, it was still so magical. You know, it was almost like you could see the fireworks between Des and Brooks…
The sparks were flying.
The fireworks were like Des’ eyes: sparkling.
Des just had a certain glow about her — kind of like those fireworks.
We just hope Brooks’ feelings for Des don’t fizzle out like the fireworks did.
Oh my God. No more poetry.
Please, anything but poetry. Why have Chris and Des been reading slightly different versions of the same poem to each other for like, five weeks now? Apparently, they thought, “Hey, we like sharing poetry with each other, so let’s share it with complete strangers now!” And that’s just what they did. They made sweet, sweet poetry together, put it in a bottle and chucked it out into the ocean for some poor, unsuspecting soul to find.
Chris is addicted to poetry.
During the dinner portion of the date, Chris resolves he’s going to tell Des he’s in love with her. But he’s super nervous and doesn’t know how to express his feelings.
He breaks a light (or something).
He’s sweating worse than James was last week.
He starts hyperventilating.
Then, he gets in the zone. “You can do this, man. You can do this. Just do what you do best,” Chris silently tells himself. So, of course, what does he do? READS HER ANOTHER FRICKIN’ POEM.
And it goes something like this:
“Hard to breathe, feels like floating, so full of love my heart’s exploding. Mouth is dry, hands are shaking, my heart is yours for the taking. Acting weird, not myself, dancing around like the Keebler Elf. Finally time, for this poor schlub, to know how it feels to fall in lub.”
Well, actually, we got that from Mr. Deeds, but you get the point. It was close enough.
Then, it was time for Michael’s date. This was a relief because Michael doesn’t strike us as the type of guy who expresses himself through poetry. But we did come to find out that he’s a fan of metaphors. More on this in a minute…
The two spend the day out and about, trying disgusting tropical fruits and such.
After they had enough of doing that, they decided to go for a toboggan ride. That’s when Michael says, “This is really a wild ride … kind of like being in love.” Yeah, you know what, Michael? It really is. Actually…
Love can sometimes be like that toboggan ride: bumpy.
The toboggan ride reminds Michael of how he’s falling in love with Des. It’s all happening so fast.
This toboggan ride has so many twists and turns and ups and downs. It’s kind of like being in a relationship…
See? This is the crap ABC subjects us to.
Are these people always cold?
This is totally unrelated to the episode, but we want to address something that’s been bothering us. Have you guys noticed that the Bachelor/ette has a blanket on every single date? It’s not just this season. It’s all the seasons. Is that like a rule? Does a blanket help with the ambiance? Is one always provided so that they can get handsy without anyone knowing? Or are these people just always cold? They always seem to whip it out at the strangest moments…
Just some food for thought…
Zak and Drew race for Des’ heart.
It’s time for the two-on-one date! And Des has a super fun activity planned … go-kart racing. How fun! There’s gotta be a way we can work in a few metaphors here…
That race kind of reminds us of this show. All the guys are racing each other to win Des’ heart.
Des’ Hart is like those go-karts during the two-on-one date — it was racing.
But Drew really said it best: “Today is about going fast. Just like the high adrenaline, blood pumping, heart pounding feeling that you get when you meet somebody who you’re falling in love with.”
That race was serious business.
So serious, in fact, that Drew wouldn’t even take his helmet off for the confessional.
That is all.
Tonight on The Bachelorette, we’ve got a special guest: Reality Steve!
Wait, did Des just tell Chris Harrison who she’s picking? Sorry, but did she just say she’s “hit the finish line” with Brooks? OK, Reality Steve. Chris Harrison was like, “What the hell, Des?! You can’t just
ask people why they’re white say that! You’re the Bachelorette! You’re supposed to be vague and mysterious!”
Des says it’s not over, but it’s over, barring a dramatic turn of events. Way to ruin the show, Des. But, hey, at least there will be more hot guys out there for us to snatch up.
Des rests her case.
The case of Michael vs. … wait. Who is the opposition? Des? Just love, in general? Whatever. The point is, it’s closed. The case is closed. The judge handed down her ruling. But Michael handled his sentencing gracefully and with dignity. His exit was very classy. Good luck, Michael. You’ll be aiight. Your mom’s got your back.
She asked me how to spell orange.
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.
“I wanna jump up and give a fist pump, Tiger Woods style.” — Chris
No, Chris. Just no. Do you really think you should be comparing yourself to Tiger Woods while you’re on a dating show? Ahem, a dating show that involves pursuing a monogamous relationship. It’s just prahhhhbably not the best idea ever.
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