As you might’ve read, we had a little too much fun on America’s Birthday. If you happen to be clueless about our Fourth of July shenanigans, you may want to read “Week 6: The Glen Cocos” to get filled in. We didn’t do a whole lot over the weekend as you might imagine, but we at least used our recovery time to come up with these questions. See? We’re always thinking of you guys and this ridiculous show, even in our weakest moments. Now that is true dedication.
1. Does Michael have a kinder, gentler side? Will we get to see it?
You know how it’s really bad to feed gremlins after midnight? It’s like, the cardinal rule of owning a gremlin. No matter how much they beg, you do not, under any circumstances, feed gremlins after midnight. If you do, they turn into little hellions. They become rowdy, mischievous and even dangerous. Basically, it’s just a big no-no. If you did not know this, we urge you to watch the movie.
Well, what we’re trying to say is that Michael is like a gremlin. You must never, ever feed him after midnight. The only difference in this case is that the “food” is drama. Michael feeds off of it. He loves drama. He begs and begs for a dramatic situation to involve himself in, and the guys stupidly feed him. Once this happens, all hell breaks loose. He turns into that one gremlin who throws those plates all over the kitchen. It’s not a good situation.
But we wonder … does Michael have a kinder side that we just haven’t seen yet? Is he ever cute and cuddly like Gizmo?
At this point, we’ve definitely seen Michael when he’s been fed after midnight, but we haven’t seen him as a normal gremlin. We’d actually like to see Michael, you know, act like he’s on this show for the purpose of finding a woman, not a fight. Hey Michael, maybe you oughta try singing Des a song? That might help convince us.
2. What is the reason for all the Drew drama?
Over the past week, this has been a subject of much debate. We’re not even sure the whole Drew thing is going to happen this week, but we thought we’d throw our two cents in just in case. Here are three possible scenarios that we feel might be the cause of the drama (our thoughts in italics):
a. He could be admitting he’s gay.
This seems to be the most popular opinion among people watching the show. We’ve heard so many of you guys insist he’s actually gay and is about to reveal his secret to Des. Our thoughts on this theory? Oh God in heaven, please do not let this be the case. We would be devastated.
b. Drew says he’s not ready to get married or have kids, so he tells Des a long-term relationship isn’t going to work.
This is definitely a distinct possibility. Maybe they just realize they’re not on the same page. They each have different goals in life, so Drew decides to end it before things get too serious. Lord knows people have come on this show when they weren’t actually ready to settle down.
c. Drew is talking to Des about someone else.
This is the distinctest of all possibilities. Maybe we’re being duped by the producers. What if we’re being led to believe that Drew is saying it won’t work out between him and Des, but all the while, he’s actually voicing his concerns about one of the other guys? He could be telling Des that he doesn’t think it will work between her and [insert guy’s name here]. He had no problem telling Des about James, so maybe he wouldn’t have a problem bringing up someone else.
Just some food for thought for y’all until the truth is uncovered…
3. Will there be a “Des Tells All” show?
We don’t know, but we feel one is necessary. There neeeeeeeeds to be a “Des Tells All” special. We have so many questions. If anyone from the Bachelorette/ABC camp is reading this, we’ve taken the liberty of writing up a few questions that we feel Des needs to address if there was such a show in the works:
- What in God’s name were you thinking during that two-on-one date? Why did you let it get so out of control? Why didn’t you send them both home? Why didn’t you leave Michael in the German dungeon forever?
- Having now seen what happened between James and the guys, what do you think of the whole situation? Do you think James is a dirtbag?
- What are your thoughts on the Drew situation (even though we don’t know what happens yet)?
- Why did you keep Michael around so long? Now that you’ve seen how he started/got involved in so much drama, do you regret keeping him as long as you did?
And, of course…
- WHY IN GOD’S NAME DID YOU GET RID OF JUAN PABLO? WHY? WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?
Feel free to pass these along to Chris Harrison so that he can use them during said special. Des will probably give us crappy answers, but crappy answers are better than no answers.
The Hot Seat
Every week, we’ll pick one or two dudes who we think are in danger of getting sent home the following episode. Whether it’s because they’re causing tension in the mansion, had a night of drunken woopsies or just simply aren’t connecting with Des, these men could find themselves in the Bachelor Burn Book Hot Seat … a place that would make even Regina George feel threatened.
Michael, you may, in fact, be a really nice gremlin sometimes. Maybe reality TV just isn’t a good look for you. Or maybe we only saw you when you’d been fed after midnight. Either way, it’s over. It’s too late. The damage has been done. A gremlin can only act out so many times before it has to go back to the pet store. And, unfortunately, you’ve passed that limit.
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