So you know that old Daryle Singletary song “I Ain’t Never Had Too Much Fun”?.
Well, it’s a lie. You can have too much fun. We know this, because that’s exactly what happened on the Fourth of July. We had too much fun and couldn’t pull ourselves out of the depths of our hangovers long enough to write the Glen Cocos and get them up on Friday like good little bloggers. This one’s on us, guys. We wouldn’t give us candy grams either.
So when we weren’t figuring out what to put on our tombstones when we inevitably succumbed from our excessive celebrating on America’s Birthday, we were trying to figure out how to make it up to you. We’ve decided on this. Not only are we going to give you the typical Glen Cocos, you’ll be able to find a nice little piece of advice from the Bachelor Burn Book think tank at the bottom of this post. It’s the best we could do, y’all.
Here’s a refresher on the Glen Cocos:
Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.
The Human Storage Unit Award
Oh, hey, Drew where’d ya keep that umbrella? We wonder what else he’s storing on his person. A walkie talkie? Pepper spray? Raincoat? Calculator? Phone book? A spare hoodies, swiped from the closet of one of his bros? There are tons of possibilities, but there’s one item we KNOW Drew doesn’t carry around — a tape recorder. If so, we would have been able to hear James’ conversation with Mikey first hand instead of being forced to rely on tales that have been passed down through the Bachelorette grapevine. It’s our loss, really.
The Artsy Fartsy Award
Zak gets this one, duh. Here’s a pro tip for all the guys reading this blog: If you ever draw a portrait of the girl you’re seeing, do yourself a favor and DON’T decide to test out all the colors on her face. Just go with the sketch. No colors are necessary. Seriously. No one is judging you if you decide against coloring. Otherwise, you end up with a final product that looks like this…
…and your date will likely run screaming from the room, unless they are on a TV show where they are basically being paid to go on weird dates like this.
The I Learned Nothing From Watching Last Season Award
Ugh, James. We know you know your Bachelorette history (you DID know quite about about who you were playing in the Soulja Boy video, after all) so don’t try to pretend that you didn’t see Emily’s season. We all know you saw what happened to Ryan when he was too vocal about his desires to be the next Bachelor, so when you became a contestant on this season, you decided to play your cards differently. This time, you’d only talk about your diabolical plan when the cameras were off. Obviously, you neglected to remember that there are no secrets in the Bachelor Mansion (or Bachelor Bus, or Bachelor Airplane Terminal, or Bachelor Hotel, or Bachelor Anywhere). So this one’s for you, James. Congratulations repeating the same mistake as a former contestant one season later.
The Wake Us Up From This Nightmare Award
The last ten minutes of this episode was hell. HELL. Juan Pablo was sent home. We’ll repeat that — JUAN PABLO WAS SENT HOME. It’s a travesty. We needed at least one more week of him. We weren’t even warned! It was all too much. We cried. Actually, not really but we thought about crying and then we mourned with the rest of y’all on Twitter like normal people. And then, just when we thought the worst was over, we see the preview for the upcoming episodes. Now, we’ve been watching this show long enough to know that we should never trust a Bachelor preview, but we’re pretty sure it looks like Drew AND Brooks drop bombshells on Des. We’re not OK with this. We’re just not. And all we’re saying is, somebody better build a time machine and go back and fix this mess before we’re forced to watch it unfold on TV. We refuse to have our images of Perfect Drew and Goofy Brooks shattered. FIX THIS NOW OR FEEL THE BACHELOR BURN BOOK WRATH.
And some advice from the Bachelor Burn Book Mothership…
…Don’t drink, guys. Because you will get hungover and (feel like you are about to) die. — Coach Carr/Bachelor Burn Book.
Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.
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