We’re planning a revolt. A mutiny is imminent. Des is out of control.
Who does she think she is eliminating three guys at once this far into the season? She can’t just do that. There are rules. Who gave her all the power? Can somebody put a call in to Chris Harrison so we can restore order to this mess of a situation? Geesh, can somebody pull the reins in on her? Next thing you know, she’ll be sprinting to the altar faster than Damian was running to the projection room above the auditorium with Cady’s purse. Slow your roll, Des. We can’t rank all your boyfriends if there aren’t any left.
Obligatory Power Rankings explanation:
Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelorette. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the men based on their interactions with each other and with Desiree. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Des views each of her suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the men at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.
Last week: #3
Alright, Zak. You can leave Bachelorette La-La Land now. We’ve figured out what to do with you … put you back in the #1 spot.
Zak has somehow, unexpectedly, surprisingly managed to regain the top spot in our Power Rankings. The last time we had him here was in our Preseason Power Rankings, but it was because he said he would like to have lunch with Cookie Monster. We thought that was funny, so straight to the top he went. But now, he’s obviously here for a completely different reason. Every week now, Zak always seems to say or do the right thing. He’s got a lethal combination: romantic, genuine, thoughtful, nice body (yes, we had to throw that in there) and great sense of humor. Oh, and not to mention, he stays out of the drama. Always a bonus. We can’t believe we’re saying this, but
Lindsay Zak might actually make it to the finale. Wedding dress Orange spray tan, abs and all.
Last week: #1
OK, let’s just go ahead and assume for a minute that Chris wins. After much deliberation and crying, Des picks Chris, he proposes with a giant Neil Lane rock, she accepts, they begin a blissful relationship and eventually get married on national television (Mike Fleiss, you’re salivating over that scenario, aren’t ya?). Now, fast forward to their life together as a married couple. Can you just imagine what that would be like? It would be filled with poetry. Poetry at the dinner table. Poetry before they go to bed. Poetry when they wake up. Secret poems put under the pillow. Secret poems slipped in Chris’ lunchbox before he goes off to work. Poetry all day, errday. How nauseating.
But you know what? We wouldn’t be at all surprised if this actually happened. Chris and Des are that into each other. Des’ poem may as well have been the lyrics to Train’s “Marry Me” because she was essentially professing her love for him. There’s still plenty of time left, but gosh, we can’t picture anyone else but Chris winning at this point.
Side note: No spoilers were used in the writing of Chris’ blurb. The scenario outlined above is purely hypothetical.
Last week: #6
Mmm, we love us some Drew. He is just so … perfectly perfect. From opening up about his dad to surprising Des with that wall kiss, he did just about everything right on his one-on-one date. Now, of course his wall kiss wasn’t as good as Arie’s or Sean’s, but hey, we’re not complaining. By the end of Drew’s date, we were fully convinced that he would make the top three. But now, we’re not so sure…
That preview made Drew’s exit from the show look like a tragic one. What goes so horribly wrong? Does Drew change his mind? Why does Des get mad at him? Does he have a skeleton hidden in the depths of his closet? Will we not like him by the time he leaves? Are the producers/editors playing a trick on us? We just don’t know what to think right now.
Last week: #2
Geez, Brooks has been MIA lately, hasn’t he? We can’t even think of something to say about him because we’ve hardly seen him. This is basically the extent of what’s come out of his mouth in the last three weeks:
“I was expecting a professional men’s team. She came on the field actin’ all serious with her girls. Listen, girl scouts, we’re about to bake some cookies.”
Oh, and he said that Desiree was wearing “workout lingerie” to play fútbol.
Good one, Brooks. Always keepin’ it classy.
Last week: #8
This is what happened in our apartment when Des gave Michael a rose:
“………………….I’m sorry. Could you rewind that, please?”
“………………….I’m sorry. Could you rewind that again, please?”
“……..Could you maybe just turn it up like really, really loud? I’m not sure I heard that right.”
*Turns up really, really loud*
*Blank stare broken up by frequent, overstated blinks*
Yep, we had seen and heard right. Des actually gave Michael a rose. He’s involved himself in all, and we mean all, of the drama since day one, yet he has managed to stick around. Forgive us Michael, but may we offer you a piece of advice?
YOU BETTA SHAPE UP, SON.
Don’t be too sad, Kasey. You may not have won Des’ heart, but you have officially made your mark on this franchise. Bachelor Nation will now forever know you as Hashtag Guy. So, at least there’s that.
7. Juan Pablo
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! NOT JUAN PABLO!! WHY, DES, WHY?!
It’s gonna take us a while to recover from this one. Like, a good long while. We have the major sadz.
This isn’t adios, Juan Pablo. It’s just hasta luego.
James, you screwed up big time, buddy. What were you thinking? How could you do something like that? You just acted like it was no big deal … like you didn’t even care. It’s like your body was there, but your mind wasn’t. You didn’t think Des and the guys would find out that you suck at playing goalie? You betrayed your team … and Des. How could you just let 10 goals whizz past you like it was no big deal? For shame, James. For shame. Just know that if you hadn’t displayed such a poor effort as team goalie, you probably would’ve made the cut. Geesh, what a disappointment.
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