If last week was Armageddon, this week’s episode should have been called There Will Be Blood (In Barcelona). James wants to be the Bachelor, three guys got sent home and our heads just exploded. Or maybe our heads exploded because we finally got some more Drew time this week. Whatevs, here’s the recap, ya filthy animals.
Casual Chris Harrison Alert
Look at Chris, whipping out the everyday portion of the Chris Harrison Collection. Chris decided to rock his finest cas duds to remind the guys that they’re in Barcelona (in case they missed all the signs at the airport and didn’t realize that everyone was speaking Spanish). We’re so glad we have Chris Harrison to dress all casual and dapper and tell us where in the world we are. We salute you, Chris.
DREW DREW DREW DREW –America
Drew gets the one-on-one date because OBVS the producers/Des/ABC have heard our pleas for more Drew. Like seriously, guys, we have that type of power (we don’t) and we can totally make him the next Bachelor if we wanted to (we can’t do that, actually, so please don’t ask us to). We knew we were right about Drew being awesome and magical and the perfect guy because when it started raining, we’re pretty sure he pulled an umbrella conveniently out of his bum. Any guy that has a way to store things so we don’t have to carry them in our purse is alright in our Burn Book.
DREW DREW DREW DREW — also America, but during the episode
Here are more Drew pictures, because based on the previews for the remainder of the season, we might not like Drew in a couple of weeks, so get ‘em while you can.
Runaway Bachelorette (kinda)
So basically, during the dinner, Drew gets the brilliant idea that he just can’t eat anything unless it’s Des’ face. So he pulls her away from the table and takes off down a dark, sketchy alley because that’s always what you do in a foreign country where you don’t speak the language. Of course, this causes straight-up shenanigans with the camera crew, who have to chase them around God knows where in the dark. A photographic breakdown of the escape:
3. Cameraman: #$@& you mean I have to run now? Why did we pick an athletic Bachelorette again?
4. Cameraman: Never mind, they’re slow as shit.
5. Wall kissing that was supposed to be private but wasn’t because they’re, you know, ON A TV SHOW.
A rose by any other name…
…is the green light to rat out another contestant. Drew is perplexed by James’ conversation with Mikey. Drew is very keen on ratting him out to Des, but Drew wisely waits until the rose is firmly attached to his chest before spilling the beans.
Oh, James. You betta check yoself. Youz in for a whuppin’.
Mi casa es un futbol campo.
This group date has Juan Pablo’s name written allllll over it. In fact, we’re pretty sure when Juan Pablo signs his name, he puts a little soccer ball in the “o” because SOCCER, DUH. Here are pictures of Juan Pablo in his natural environment, sweaty, kicking a soccer ball and speaking words we can’t understand but could listen to All. Day. Long.
Because then they would know that girls can play soccer with the boys and make a goalie cry. But these guys have clearly never seen the movie because they said things like this (our reactions in italics):
“I was expecting a professional men’s team. She came on the field acting all serious with a bunch of girls. Listen, Girl Scouts, we’re about to bake some cookies.” –Brooks
The only way we’re OK with this is if you grease up Juan Pablo’s abs, put some cookie dough on it and have him lay out in the sun. Otherwise, RUDE.
“It is wrong to hit a woman. It is not wrong to kick a woman’s soccer ball away from her.” — Michael.
The lawyer, everybody, is well-versed in the law and reminds us that hitting a woman is never OK.
“They think they faster than me? They have good team but it is not going to happen.” — Juan Pablo
We aren’t sure if they were faster than him or not and we don’t really care. Just talk forever, Juan Pablo. We’re listening.
Kasey couldn’t really say anything. He was too busy laughing.
They lost 10-2. Less chatter, more playing, dudes.
Party at Des’ house!
Michael gets the party going with this gem, “Here’s to kicking soccer balls today and kickin’ it with Des tonight.” Chris silently stews, because he’s the poet in this house, ya hear?
Then Des takes Chris to her room (Jonathan silently fumes) and shares a poem with him that makes us cry a little because she mentions home and she lived in a teepee and now we’re in a glass case of emotion and so is Chris and can they just get married already?
We’re preeeeetty sure that Ronnie and James are the same person. And we all know what happened when Ronnie got mad at the Shore — he went all hulk on everybody and broke things.
Michael gets involved. Chris is shushing people. James is hollering like crazy. Desiree sends everyone back to the hotel with no roses because after their behavior, they just don’t deserve it. Basically, Des is turning this group date around and heading back home, aka talking to James.
James gets a one-on-one kinda.
This probably isn’t the one-on-one he had in mind. Des confronts him, James cries (although not enough to use his paisley pocket square as a tissue) and continues with the lie and deny tactic. They agree to reconvene the next day, so basically we have to sit on pins and needles for like twenty more minutes before we get any resolution for these shenanigans.
Zak is like, “This is way too many clothes.”
You can’t take a guy who took his pants off the first night and put him in a smock (especially when he has abs like that). Zak is a free spirit! He can’t be bothered with extra paint-splatter clothes. He doesn’t need to protect his outfit, if it gets dirty he will just chuck it.
But, as always, Zak managed to find a way to get pretty nekkid. After an uncomfortable encounter with a nude male model…
Just kidding. But he did color Des’ face in with apricot, grey and tan chalk which made her look like some horrifying creature from a scary movie. Was this another example of cross promotion, ABC? Because we’re pretty sure we saw that creature in the preview for The Conjuring.
ONE MORE TIME IN CASE YOU MISSED THAT
James vs. Des vs. Everyone Else, Part II
A new day has dawned and James has outfitted himself in his favorite jeans, lavender button down and flip flops (??). He squeezes himself onto a teeny tiny couch with three other dudes because apparently, everyone doesn’t feel awkward enough already.
Des takes him to a stoop and they talk. James sweats (literally) through another round of lying and denying. Des is mad because she doesn’t know who to believe. We don’t really know who to believe either.
“I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life” — Elle Woods/ Michael G.
Michael whips out so many legal terms we feel like we just got kicked out of our first day of Harvard Law. James went home and Michael G. dismissed the case. Go home, everyone. Michael says there’s nothing to see here.
She asked me how to spell orange.
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.
“I assume you all have done the math.” — Chris Harrison
Yeah, Chris? We think you’re giving them too much credit. If their math skills are anything like their soccer skills, we’re all in trouble.
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