There are many crimes that one can be accused of in Bachelorette World. Some are serious, and others are very serious. When a Bachelorette contestant is accused of one of these crimes, he must go before Chris Harrison, the judge, the jury and the executioner in Bachelorette World (Des may think she has all the power, but let’s be real. We all know Chris Harrison is the one in charge here.). If a contestant finds himself in Bachelorette court, he may be charged with one or more of the following crimes:
- Not being there to make friends
- Going on the show to gain fame (both on Twitter and in real life)
- Promoting one’s business ventures
- Being an arrogant jerk
- Being a drama-starter
- Repeatedly claiming to be a “grown ass man”
- Having a secret girlfriend back home
- … And stuff like that
But there is one crime in particular that is more heinous than all the rest: faking your way through the show in order to become the next Bachelor. 😮
That is, indeed, the worst crime of them all, and it appears that James is charged with said crime this evening. So, is James a liar? Is he deceiving Des and all of Bachelor Nation? Will he have to face the wrath of Judge Chris Harrison? We ponder this and other super important stuff in the latest Burning Questions.
1. Is James an arrogant jerk or just a misunderstood meathead?
Yeah, he’s an arrogant jerk. Definitely an arrogant jerk. We don’t even need to hear James’ defense. There’s really nothing he can do to save himself … especially if Crazy Eyes Michael is his lawyer. Then it’s really goin’ downhill for him. Unless Drew and Kasey are flat out lying, it’s going to be hard for James to explain this one away. He literally told Mikey, “If I make the top four, I’m in a good position to become the next Bachelor.”
How do you explain that one to Des? “Yeah, uhh, what I meant was, umm, anybody who makes the top four could become the next Bachelor. I don’t want to be the next Bachelor. I was just speaking in general terms…” Or maybe he’ll completely deny it. Either way, neither option is believable. And then there’s that whole “I’m gonna run Chicago and hook up with a bunch of women on a boat” thing. Also hard to talk your way out of.
James is a snake. Do. Not. Trust. Him. He is a fugly slut. *Pastes picture of James underneath comment in Bachelor Burn Book*
2. Can Michael recover from being … well, just pretty much a super awful human being?
The answer to this should be “no.” After the nonsense he pulled last week, we can’t think of any reason why Des would want to keep him around. We can handle his crazy eyes and his untamed hair (in small doses), but what we can’t deal with is the way he treated Ben last week. That is so unattractive in a guy — or any person, for that matter. Attacking someone like you have no faults is arrogant, immature and just plain rude. And what’s worse is he did all of this right in front of the woman he’s supposedly trying to woo. The fact that Des didn’t send Michael home along with Ben is baffling. But we have a feeling Des will come to her senses soon. Or at least we hope she will…
3. When, oh when, will Juan Pablo get a one-on-one date?
Will it be this week? Will it be next week? Will it ever happen? Is he stuck with group dates for as long as he shall live (on this show)?
Des, you’re going about this entirely the wrong way. We all know you don’t plan on marrying Juan Pablo, so why not just give him a one-on-one date so you can do what you’ve been wanting to do with him all along: make out with him for an extended period of time in private? That is the reason you’re keeping him around, isn’t it? So, get on with it then.
Besides, as we’ve made perfectly clear at least a dozen times, we need our Juan Pablo fix. Seeing him eating popcorn and watching The Lone Ranger for three minutes just isn’t gonna cut it. But I guess until Des decides to comply with our request, we’re stuck with Meathead James and the gang…
The Hot Seat
Every week, we’ll pick one or two dudes who we think are in danger of getting sent home the following episode. Whether it’s because they’re causing tension in the mansion, had a night of drunken woopsies or just simply aren’t connecting with Des, these men could find themselves in the Bachelor Burn Book Hot Seat … a place that would make even Regina George feel threatened.
James, you’re doomed. It’s over. You’ve been caught. We all know your secret, so we’ll just let ya down easy now:
You’re not going to be the next Bachelor. You’re never going to “run” Chicago (because Chris Bukowski and his Polish family already do). Sorry we had to be the ones to ruin your delusions of grandeur, James. But we just wanted to let you know what was up.
Also, we can definitely picture James and Mikey having a Wedding Crashers-esque conversation once the show is over. You know, like the one between Sack and Trapster…
C’mon, can’t you see them saying something like that?
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