Week 5: The Glen Cocos

Remember in Mean Girls when Regina George distributes the Burn Book at school and all the girls start fighting each other and Principal Duvall is all, “I did NOT leave the South Side for this!”?

Well, Des soooooo did not leave her teepee for this crap, either.

She dealt with a lot of shenanigans this week, so naturally we’re hankering to give these tools some awards and call them out for their poor behavior. Some weeks, the Glen Cocos just write themselves. This is one of those weeks.

Here’s how the Glen Cocos work:

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Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.

The Way to Steal His Thunder Award

This one goes to our beloved Bryden, who eliminated himself from the competition, much to our dismay. Bryden made a number of missteps during his exit. First, he flew alll the way to Germany and was there for like, five minutes before he decided to leave. Second, he concluded that he just couldn’t wait to tell Des he was leaving so he insisted on interrupting her date with Chris. We’re glad Bryden got out while he could and didn’t waste anyone’s time, but we don’t think it would have killed him to wait until Des returned. Whatevs, Bryden. Enjoy the day-long flight back to the States (and, you know, drop us a line if you’re ever in our neck of the woods).

The Full of Surprises Award

We still don’t quite know what to make of Zak just yet. We can’t shake the image of him jumping in the Bachelor pool in his underoos. We also can’t help but feel like he’s one of the most genuine guys in the house. From the diary he gave Des in Week 2 to his story about his quest for self-awareness this week, he always seems to have something to share — and none of them involve nudity. Who’d have thunk it?!

The Best Elle Woods Impersonation Award

Wait, did you think someone could basically interrogate someone else on a 2-on-1 date AND be a lawyer and NOT be compared to the greatest lawyer of all time?! Well, you have sorely, sorely underestimated the Bachelor Burn Book. Because we are totally about to compare Michael to Elle Woods.

Exhibit A: Michael totally would have put up a fuss about using generic toilet paper. He would have been all like, “It has come to my attention that the producers are switching our toilet paper from Charmin … to generic. All those opposed to chafing, please say aye.”

And all the other Bachelors would have agreed because they deserve to have silk scarves for their bums, not crappy TP because they are ROYALTY, do you hear us?

Exhibit B: He loves to trap people (especially Ben) and tell them that they are wrong, just like Elle did with that store clerk who tried to sell her something for full price when it was FOR SURE on sale.

Exhibit C: He wasn’t in a Ricky Martin video, but he was in a Soulja Boy video.

right reasons

Exhibit D: This is the big one. Did anyone else think that his interrogation of Ben was really similar to Elle’s questioning of Chutney? ‘Cause we sure did. As soon as Ben even mentioned his son, Michael was all over him. The only difference is that Ben handled this much better than Chutney (at least at first, but we’ll get to that later). Watch this, people.

Now watch this one.

ARE WE RIGHT OR ARE WE RIGHT?! Des is totally the judge in this scenario. And come on, Michael definitely knows the rules of hair care because they are simple and finite. Any guy with hair like this would have known.

michael's hair

The Well, You Handled That Poorly Award

Oh, Ben. We refuse to call you the villain of the season (we’re withholding that judgment until we see the James situation go down next week), but you certainly didn’t exit the show in a classy fashion. Talking about finding other girls and drinking downtown really doesn’t help your argument that you were there for the right reasons (right reasons). We’re choosing to believe that you were talking a big game to cover up your broken heart. Please don’t disappoint us by being a big butthead on Men Tell All.

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

Images on this blog are the property of ABC or their respectful owners.

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