Week 5: Power Rankings

Three got their heads chopped off this week, and now only eight remain. A few of them are nice, some are cute, most are frat boy meatheads and pretty much all of them are crazy.

Aaand, these are the times when we’re glad we’re just doing the ranking and not the rose-doling.

Speaking of ranking, here’s the obligatory explanation of how the Power Rankings work:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelorette. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the men based on their interactions with each other and with Desiree. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Des views each of her suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the men at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.

1. Chris


Last week: #1

It’s clear that Chris is the frontrunner at this point. He’s been getting a ton of attention for, like, three solid weeks now, and he’s done pretty much everything right. His one-on-one date with Des reminded us very much of that one date between Emily and Jef. You know, the one where we figured out Jef had secret puppeteering skillz.


They spent the entire day just exploring the city and having a great time. Their chemistry (at that time) was undeniable. That was when we realized Jef might for realz win this thing. That’s the point we’re at now with Chris. He and Des are so into each other. I mean, they were literally skipping, hand-in-hand, for pretty much the entire date. You have to be pretty freakin’ happy (and blissfully unaware of how stupid you look) to do that.

But if the skipping wasn’t enough to convince you, the Bryden situation will. Des really opened up to Chris after that and gave him her undivided attention. She didn’t seem distracted by her anger or sadness like she was with Kasey after Brian’s crazy ex showed up. She talked about it, and then it was over. Almost like Bryden never existed. Any man who can make a woman virtually forget why she’s hurt or pissed is doing something right.

2. Brooks


Last week: #3

Brooks is probably the only other guy who can compete with Chris right now. It’s obvious that Des really likes him. And apparently, he’s the best kisser “emotionally” out of all the guys. Does that mean he kisses with a lot of emotion? Is she saying he’s actually a crappy kisser, but she just feels an emotional connection with him? Or maybe he gets extremely emotional after kissing. We just don’t know. It could be a good thing. We think it’s kind of weird, but whatever. Good kisser or not, Brooks is here to stay. We haven’t seen him and Des together a whole lot lately, but we’d be shocked if he wasn’t right there at the end.

3. Zak

Zak W.

Last week: #4

Hmm. Not sure if serious contender or just nice guy who wanted to be a priest.

not sure if meme

We just don’t know what to make of Zak yet. We can’t tell if Des is actually into him or if he’s just skating by because there’s a bunch of other weirdos Des has to get rid of first. It appears that their connection is starting to get stronger, but we wouldn’t necessarily be surprised if he went home soon. He’s got a lot of good qualities, but we don’t know if Des sees him as her future husband. Therefore, Zak must go to Bachelorette La-La Land for now. Sit tight, Zak. We’ll check back in with you next week and see if we can figure out what to do with you then.

4. James


Last week: #2

Ughh, stupid Bachelor Burn Book. We feel like Dobby, that house elf from Harry Potter who would beat himself up every time he did something bad.

We have to punish ourselves, sir, for falling into James’ trap. We actually started to like him last week. We believed his lies. Bad Bachelor Burn Book, bad Bachelor Burn Book. There are only two reasons we’re keeping him in the top five this week:

  1. The situation hasn’t played out yet, and James hasn’t told his side of the story.
  2. Des is completely oblivious to James’ potential shady motives.

Bachelor Nation may know that James has plans to run Chicago, become the next Bachelor and hook up with a bunch of women on a boat, but Des has no clue yet. So, for now, James stays. But we’ll be back for you, James. Next week, you’re goin’ down … in the rankings, that is.

5. Juan Pablo

juan pablo

Sorry, we had to … ^

Last week: #7

We are becoming increasingly depressed about the Juan Pablo situation. We get what’s goin’ on here. Juan Pablo isn’t going to win. He’s not going to beat out Brooks or Chris. He hasn’t even gotten a one-on-one date yet. Hell, he barely gets any airtime, let alone a date. His days on this show are numbered. Des is just keeping him around so she can look at him and makeout with him. WAY TO OBJECTIFY MEN, DES. If that’s the way it’s gonna be, let us down easy, will ya Des? Let him go sooner rather than later … no, wait. Keep him around so we can get a few more looks at him. Er … we don’t know …

Ugh, a true dilemma.

6. Drew


Last week: #9

Here’s another one who we don’t want to see go home. But we fear the worst for Drew. He’s about to get right in the middle of Armageddon, Part II, and the ending probably won’t be pretty for any and all parties involved. It appears that Des begins to “resent” the men once this whole thing with James blows up, which means Drew could find himself in a really, really crappy situation. She’s already pissed at Michael for how he attacked Ben, so we could see her transferring that frustration to Drew when he approaches her about James, even if he is super mature about it.

We think Drew is a good egg, so we’re for sure keeping our fingers and toes crossed that he survives The Great Bachelorette Debacle of 2013.

7. Kasey


Last week: #10

Let’s be real. Des is not into Kasey. She made that perfectly clear on their one-on-one date a few weeks back. He’s very sweet and genuine, but there’s no way he makes it into the top five. In fact, we’re surprised he’s made it this far. His involvement in the James drama next week might be the perfect excuse for Des to let him go.

Sorry, Kasey. You’re a nice guy, but you know what they say about nice guys. They finish eighth…

8. Michael

Michael G.

Last week: #8

Oh god, we could go on and on about Michael. For starters, we don’t like him. Also, we think he’s a jerk. Ben may not have been the most genuine guy, but geesh Michael, did you need to verbally assault him? In a matter of hours, he managed to attack Ben as a father, a man, a Christian and just an all-around human being. Oh and not to mention, he made Des upset and uncomfortable in the process. Like, seriously, who does this guy think he is? At one point, he even said his relationship with his own father reminded him of how Ben is with his son: absent. Yikes. Way to judge a relationship you know nothing about, you tool.

We’re shocked that Des kept him after what he did. Literally made no sense. She’d be wise to put him back in that dungeon in Munich.

Michael going to the dungeon

Also, Michael, what in God’s name is going on with your hair?

michael's hair


9. Bryden


We’re still mad at you for abandoning us, Bryden. And for interrupting Chris’ date. But we do commend you for your honesty … and for combing your bangs to the side.

10. Ben


We wonder if Ben actually got drunk in Munich and banged a bunch of girls after he got eliminated. I guess that’s one secret of his that no one will ever really know (unlike all the others).

11. Mikey


Yes! Finally, we were right! That’s what happens when you persevere, ladies and gentlemen. You’re eventually right. Have fun on that boat with James, Mikey.

Also, you build sucky snowmen.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 8.57.29 PM

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

Images on this blog are the property of ABC or their respectful owners.

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