Week 5: Armageddon!

Ahh, finally. All is right in Bachelorette World. This week’s episode was filled with drama, name-calling, insult-hurling, murder-threatening, early exits, a cringeworthy two-on-one date and, yes, yodeling.

While last week’s episode was very heartwarming and eye-opening, we felt completely out of our element. You just can’t make insensitive jokes during a tour of the Hurricane Sandy devastation and a subsequent date between a couple who lost their home because of the storm. It just ain’t the right thing to do. But this week, it is the right thing to do. We have a week of lost time to make up for, so we aren’t holding back. May the wit and sarcasm drip from our lips this week like it never has before.

Yodel-ey-hee-whoo!

Hooray! We’re in Germany, the land of wienerschnitzel, sauerkraut, bratwurst, streusel and … cold weather? What is happening? Why must this season be filmed in all the places that are cold? This is like a really not hard concept. The guys who come on The Bachelorette usually have perfectly chiseled bodies. This show is primarily viewed by women. Women like men with perfectly chiseled bodies. Cold weather forces the guys to put shirts on. Warm weather allows them to take their shirts off. Following our logic here?

We’re ticked about this, producers. You guys are dummkopfs (“stupidheads” in German). So yeah. Stick that in your juice box and suck it. And also, please start picking warmer destinations.

It’s time for the weekly “poke fun at Chris Harrison” segment.

So, the men have arrived in Germany, and as usual, Chris Harrison shows up to state the obvious — they’re in Germany. So, instead of listening to what he was saying, we were paying attention to the fact that he was standing a million miles away from the guys as he was talking to them.

Chris Harrison standing far away

Move in a little closer, CH. Let the guys get a better look at your Chris Harrison Collection scarf. You’re having a conversation, not shouting an announcement from atop the German alps.

This is Chris’ first time.

As you are probably all aware, Chris got the only one-on-one date this week. He and Des spent the day wandering through Munich, dancing to polk music and trying on hideous lederhosen.

Chris and Des dancing

Chris in lederhosen

Now, that may sound like your normal, everyday Bachelorette date, but it wasn’t. These two lovebirds shared a major secret. After Des revealed that this was her first time visiting Europe, Chris replied, “This is my first time, too.” Our immediate reaction? Teehee.

Chris and Des

OK, Bachelor Burn Book, get your mind out of the gutter…

What is this, The Plastics?

Apparently, the guys have formed their own version of The Plastics. They’re mean, arrogant and conniving, and they only let certain people into their group. How can you figure out who’s been granted entry, you ask? Easy. On Wednesdays, they all wear the same hoodies in different colors.

Guys in their hoodies

Next task: figure out who the Regina George of the group is.

How could anyone hate Bryden? He was such a good … SLUT!

Well, OK, Bryden isn’t exactly a slut, but he is selfish. Seriously, couldn’t he wait to tell Desiree he wanted to leave until AFTER her one-on-one date? He was thinking of no one but himself. Honestly, what he did was disrespectful to both Chris and Des. It wouldn’t have killed him to wait a few more hours. After all, he did fly all the way over there. Surprisingly though, Des handled the situation really well. We thought she’d be an emotional wreck, crying and begging him to stay. But she didn’t. She simply accepted his decision and walked away without giving him so much as a hug.

Bryden leaving

Then, she got over her Hartbreak by doing what any self-respecting woman would do: downing a massive beer.

Des drinking

You go, Glen Coco girl! Let him walk away awkwardly through the streets of Munich and get lost without a single producer or cameraman to help him find his way.

Bryden walking

You’re dead to us, Bryden. You betrayed our trust. Just left us like it was nbd. Maybe we can talk in a few months, but right now, we’re just not ready for that, OK?

Also, you’re a frickin’ freeloader. Way to take the free flight to Germany and then peace out.

Also, you’re a creep.

Bryden creeping

Come on, it totally looked like he was spying on their date and stalking them. Creeeepyyy.

This is the BEST DATE EVER!

Bryden’s interruption of the one-on-one date couldn’t dampen Chris’ spirits. Nothing could dampen his spirits. You know why? Because this date has NO RULES! No bedtime! No one has to brush their teeth! Cookies and ice cream for dinner! Fun for everyone! Chris was having a ball, and he wanted Bachelor Nation to know it. But the fun didn’t end there. The date was taken to a whole new level when Des announced, “There’s more to tonight than the dinner we never ate … a private concert by someone we’ve never heard of … again! Yay!” The two had a blast dancing in a giant empty room, but the walk home was even more exciting (for us, at least) because Des almost ate it in those heels.

Des falling

LOLZ. Least graceful Bachelorette EVAR!

Des slams the ABC-Disney partnership.

It’s safe to say that ABC and Disney were NOT happy with Des after last night’s episode. As Des was rolling around in the snow like a kid on Christmas morning, she uttered these fateful words: “This is the happiest place on Earth!”

Des in the snow

GASP! Desiree, you do not say that when you are on a reality television show that airs on ABC, a subsidiary of Disney! We could just picture the Disney big wigs calling the execs at ABC and yelling, “What did she just say?! Did she say Germany was the happiest place on Earth? Did she miss the memo?! Disney World is the happiest place on Earth! Why wasn’t that edited out?! Whoever forgot to edit that out is FIRED!”

ABC needs more date ideas. Stat.

After Des and the gang went sledding, they went to a giant igloo castle to … wait, a giant igloo castle?

Igloo castle

Didn’t we stick Sean and Catherine in an igloo castle like … four months ago? ABC, stop recycling the same date ideas.

Zak likes to make major life decisions in the German Alps.

On the group date, Zak revealed to Des that Germany holds a special place in his heart because it’s where he once made a life-altering decision. Apparently, he wanted to be a priest, but then he went to Europe, got lost in the mountains and found himself. That’s when he decided to become a … drilling fluid engineer? OK…

Zak and Des

ARMAGEDDON!

It’s time! Armageddon is here, and Michael is just the person to get the party started. He’s ready to expose Ben and is convinced that Desiree wants him to show her what a fraud Ben is. Yes, Michael. That’s JUST what she had in mind for this two-on-one date. Actually, what she did have in mind for the date was something … fun. A two-on-one, fun? You’re such a silly goose, Des. Two-on-ones and fun cannot co-exist. Nonetheless, Des attempted to make the date “fun” by sticking them in a raft that was no more than 10 feet wide.

Hottug

Perfect! Let’s put two guys who hate each other in a tiny boat in the middle of a lake where they can’t escape.

Hottug 2

Oh, and one of them is behaving like a rabid dog. Good thinking, Des. This is going to go splendidly.

And splendidly it did not go…

After the hottug fiasco, which included Des’ pitiful driving and a near accident with a much larger boat, the three companions made it to the dinner portion of the date. As Michael hurled insult after insult at Ben, Des was chugging her wine as quickly as we do on Monday nights.

Des drinking wine

She probably could’ve used a few more carafes though, because the conversation went something like this:

Michael: “That’s funny that you say you miss your son, Ben. We haven’t heard much about him. We’ve actually heard more about your bars. Did you even call your son on Easter, Ben? Did you?”

*Silence*

Des: “Soo, what family traditions do you have … or want to start one day?”

*Silence*

Keeeeep drinkin’ that wine, Des.

Wait, Michael won?

Apparently, degrading people and questioning their character is a turn-on for Des because she kept Michael and sent Ben packing. Sorry, but this decision literally made no sense to us. Michael was such a jerk. He threw every insult in the book at Ben and showed a total lack of respect for Des and her ability to judge character. Ben, on the other hand, handled that whole situation with class. He bit his tongue the entire time and even excused himself so that he wouldn’t say something he might later regret.

Ben on 2-on-1

Yet, somehow, Ben went home. Not gonna lie … this kinda makes us question Des a little bit. She gave the rose to someone who would treat another person like that? What does she see in Michael? Not sure if we’ll ever know…

Oops, we actually weren’t done making fun of Chris Harrison.

Chris is such a little skeeze. He would remind Des that she’s kissed pretty much every guy and then press her to tell him who the best kisser is.

Chris Harrison is such a little skeeze

Chris Harrison is such a little skeeze

Des embarrassed

OK, now we’re done.

Next week: Armageddon, Part II

We’re already super excited for next week! Looks like more drama, shady motives (ahem, James), confrontation and tears. Don’t worry though. Drew’s gonna take care of everything, so it’s all good.

See you next week!

She asked me how to spell orange. 

This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.

“The girls have to be good to the men and do everything he wants.” — German yodeler

German yodeler

Does this even need an explanation? This is stupid, stupid, stupid. Maybe the poor man got hypothermia from sitting up on the mountain all these years and is a little confused. Or maybe no one told him it’s the other way around. Because everybody knows if the woman ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

Images on this blog are the property of ABC or their respectful owners.

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