Hey, y’all. We’ve been a little low on time lately, so sorry if this post isn’t up to snuff. We’ve been running around with a 3-year-old and a 4-year-old all week going to dance classes, bouncy houses, soccer camps, swim lessons, amusement parks and pretty much anywhere else that you might find a 3-year-old and a 4-year-old. Then, when we weren’t out and about, we were busy playing with baby dolls, having sword fights and eating plastic food. One of us was even taken to prison (on a staircase) and decapitated. So, as you can see, it’s been quite a busy week for us.
But that doesn’t mean we weren’t still thinking about The Bachelorette. In fact, as we were watching Disney’s Brave with said 3-year-old and 4-year-old, we naturally thought back to last season when Emily Maynard and the gang were forced to watch it and say it was the best movie they’d ever seen. Anyway, despite the fact that we’ve been asked about 800 different questions that usually start with “why,” we still managed to come up with a few of our own questions for tonight’s episode. Now that, dear friends, is true dedication.
1. Is James really the d-bag that we first thought he was?
We’re afraid the answer to this question may indeed be “yes.” James appears to be on the Downward Spiral of Doom, a ride that is much less enjoyable than the kiddie rides we were on this weekend. James decided to get on the Downward Spiral of Doom last week when he admitted to Des that he once cheated on a former girlfriend. That turned out to be a forgivable offense because he was young and stupid, but this whole “I want to be the next Bachelor” thing may do him in. What an idiot. James, if you want to be the next Bachelor, don’t start telling all the other guys about your secret plan. Just go about your bidness, pretend to fall in love with Desiree, get your heart fake-broken and THEN accept ABC’s offer to become the next Bachelor three to six months after filming has ended. Clearly, James is still as dumb as he was in college…
2. Do Michael and Ben actually have a standoff?
We believe the answer to this question may be “yes,” as well. Based on the preview, it appears that Michael and Ben are chosen for the dreaded two-on-one date. Michael then seems to think that the two-on-one date is the appropriate time to “expose Ben for what he is” because “that’s what Desiree really wants him to do.” Our thoughts? Coolness. Let it happen.
Do you all remember that time when Rachel and Blakeley fought for Bachelor Ben’s attention by shoving each other out of the way to dance with him for five seconds before being pushed aside again? Well, we hope this supposed standoff between Michael and Ben is that awkward. I mean, really, what could be better? Oh, also, we hope they eat kee-no-ah. Or keen-wa. Or whatever.
3. Why do these destinations suck?
ABC apparently missed the memo. This is the one show that allows us to watch 15 men parade around without shirts on for like, 10 weeks in a row. Except this season, that is. What gives, ABC? What’s with the sucky destinations? Taking the men to Germany and New Jersey when it’s still 40 degrees outside does not allow us to observe the situation that we just described. You know when hot guys take their shirts off? When it’s, you know, warm outside. If you take them to Hawaii or St. Croix or someplace like that, that might really help facilitate the removal of the shirts. Believe it or not, we don’t often have 15 shirtless men parading around our apartment, so we’d really like you to help us out with this one, ABC. We know you can afford to change the flight schedule since you didn’t build Manny and Jan a house.
The Hot Seat
Every week, we’ll pick one or two dudes who we think are in danger of getting sent home the following episode. Whether it’s because they’re causing tension in the mansion, had a night of drunken woopsies or just simply aren’t connecting with Des, these men could find themselves in the Bachelor Burn Book Hot Seat … a place that would make even Regina George feel threatened.
Bachelor Burn Book’s projected winner of the two-on-one standoff: Ben
That means you lose, Michael. Sorry. There can only be one winner, and we’re putting our money on Ben (figuratively, not literally).
Still not budging…
There will come a time when we will be right. One day. One day…
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