Say goodbye to the Bachelor Mansion, everybody. We’ve officially begun the jet-setting portion of the Bachelorette season. This means that all of the drama and hot tub excursions will be taking place in a different (and probably cleaner) setting. It’s all hotels and coach flights from here on out, people. How far will these contestants go for love? This week, they’d go as far as New Jersey. And boy, were they thrilled.
“I’m super excited, Des is going to be there!” — Anonymous
Whaaaaaaa? The Bachelorette is going to be on the Bachelorette?! That’s crazy! Do you think she’ll be at the rose ceremony too? What about on the dates? How about the cocktail party? Wait. You mean she’s going to be at ALL the things for the ENTIRE season? Wow!
General consensus: Very few people like New Jersey
This is a completely unscientific observation based on Twitter. Basically, we haven’t seen this much fake excitement since the diner scene in When Harry Met Sally. No one wants to be on the Jersey Shore unless they’re filming Jersey Shore Shark Attack.
Desiree and the Chocolate Factory
No Oompa Loompas or singing (the singing came on the group date). However, we’re pretty sure this violated about 87 health ordinances.
There were probably more precautions when the Jersey Shore gang worked in the gelato shop in Miami. Just sayin’.
An imaginary exchange while Des and Brad eat
Observer 1: “What … what are they doing?!”
Observer 2: “THEY’RE EATING! NO! NO!”
Observer 1: “Crap! That never happens! What did we feed them?! Do we have a chef or did we swipe something off a room service cart?”
Observer 2: “We have a chef. Disney hired him.”
Pauley’s look of warning
You don’t want to mess with Pauley. When he arrived to take Brad’s bag to its dejected owner, he gave the remaining men an ominous look. “I’m coming for you,” it seemed to say. “You’re next. It’s only a matter of time.”
We’d be scared.
There he comes, Mr. America.
Apparently, guys dream of beauty pageant victory too. They want to break that glass ceiling. They, too, dream of a crown. Lucky for us, one of those handful of guys is in our Bachelorette contestant pool! Michael G. has dreamed of pageant glory. I mean, look at that face. Now, his chance is here.
“This is a hodgepodge of tomfoolery.” –Drew
Oh, Drew. Your choice to recite Shakespeare as your talent was spot on because you certainly have a way with words. Be still, our hearts!
And here, for your pleasure, is the tomfoolery that transpired.
Chris Harrison has waited his whole life for this.
As a television host, is there a bigger gig than hosting Miss America? In Chris Harrison’s world, probably not. And this Mr. America pageant was Chris Harrison’s audition. He’s been waiting longer for this moment than Michael G. has been.
We’re picturing his pep talk in the mirror. It probably went like this:
“This is it, Chris. The Big Show. The whole shebang. You execute this? You’re golden. You’ve got that Miss America gig sewn up. Trump won’t be able to get out of hiring you. Don’t blow this. You look great. You’re fabulous. Suave, debonair, able to tell everyone when there is one rose left. You were born, nay, CREATED to host a beauty pageant. Even if it involves a bunch of dudes on roller skates and in speedos.”
I’m tired of being a piece of meat!
This was the gist of Mikey’s interview during the pageant. Brooks, also, doesn’t want to be a piece of meat. He wants to be a lion.
Quick, wake Mikey up from his nightmare!
The swimsuit competition arrives and Mikey is forced to get out of his comfort zone and into a bathing suit bigger than the one he brought.
And now, we will proceed to objectify the men and make them feel like a piece of meat, because we aim to please here at the Bachelor Burn Book lair.
And Drew, one more time, because of reasons.
James’ night in
No roommates? No problem. James decided to take himself on a romantic date while the men paraded around in their skivvies. He took a bubble bath, enjoyed some chocolate-covered strawberries and drank a fine glass of red wine. All that competition for Des’ heart really took a lot out of him. He needed the time to refuel and golly gee, he took advantage of it!
It’s the Manny and Jan Show!
Manny and Jan sure are scene-stealers. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house when Des and James gave up their date to give this adorable couple the chance to forget about the devastation from Hurricane Sandy … at least for a little while. Manny got to take his first ride in a limo, the couple had dinner in Atlantic City and enjoyed a private concert from Darius Rucker. This might have been the coolest date the Bachelor franchise has ever done. We don’t wear hats, but if we did, we’d take our hat off to them.
Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater!
Maybe the chef put truth serum in the spaghetti sauce, or maybe James’ guilty conscience got the better of him, but either way, he decided it was time to confess a secret to Des.
The big reveal? He cheated on his girlfriend in college. This ended up working in James’ favor because he secured a rose, but it was certainly risky.
Bryden is not happy. He isn’t sure how he feels about Desiree and needs some reassurance. This doesn’t always work, but alas, it worked for Bryden … for now. We really liked Bryden. Now, we’re not so sure.
Michael can spell, maybe?
He didn’t spell Desiree’s entire name for his silly little poem. We’re not sure if he can actually spell her full name or if he just couldn’t think of personality traits for each letter. Nice try, Michael.
Oh my gosh. We are hyperventilating. This is going to be so exciting. So many villains! So little time! We’re so excited for next week!
Your weekly dose of Juan Pablo
She asked me how to spell orange.
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.
“I’m excited to see Des. Right now, she’s like this mystical creature, like a unicorn. She shows up every once in a while, she’s here for 10 seconds and is gone — usually with another guy.” –Brooks
Um, what, Brooks? A unicorn? How much, exactly, do you know about unicorns? Have you seen one? Does Des have a horn protruding from her head that we haven’t noticed or what?
We should be surprised by this, but what else can we expect from a man who wears one glove and a top hat?
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