Week 3: The Glen Cocos

Is there any Mean Girls character more enigmatic than Glen Coco?

We know next to nothing about him, but we like to think that Glen Coco led a pretty awesome life. Think about it. This is the dude that gets to put “Received four candy grams and a shout-out from Santa Claus” on his resume. Would YOU move that resume to the bottom of the pile? WOULD YOU?! We didn’t think so.

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We like to think that Glen Coco would be pretty stoked to have an entire awards segment named after him. I mean, outside of Oscar (is that even a real person?), who else is the namesake of a freakin’ awards ceremony? No one, that’s who. The moral of the story is this: It’s good to be Glen Coco. It’s not good to be a contestant on The Bachelorette though, because you end up getting judged by people like us, who take your pain and turn it into jokes every week. But we digress. If you’re new here, here’s a primer on the Glen Cocos, named after the biggest mystery in the greatest movie of all time:

Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.

The Gigli Award

Ahh, the Gigli Award. We’ve never actually seen Gigli but, like most Americans, we trust the critics when they say that it was truly, truly horrendous. It’s been roundly accepted that this is one of the worst movies in recent history, so we’ve decided to name this season’s worst acting award after it. Of course, this one goes to Brian’s girlfriend, who managed to fake cry without producing a single tear. We have one message for her, and it is this: If you are going on national television to call out some dirt bag for telling you he was on a three-month business trip while he was actually on a dating show, YOU BEST PRODUCE REAL TEARS! We’re talking some salty waterworks here! Calling people out on T.V. isn’t for rookies! This isn’t some acting class at the local theater in some podunk town with one traffic light! This is ABC! It’s the big leagues! We need to feel your pain and we didn’t feel your pain. You fail acting class. Do not pass go, do not collect $200 and go directly back to fake-crying jail. You, Brian’s girlfriend, are a disappointment.

The Manly Man Award

Whoa! Plot twist! This award has a lot of winners and just one loser, instead of a lot of losers and one winner! We’re tricky over here in Bachelor Burn Book World. This award goes to everyone but Brooks, who is not a manly man and really just kind of a baby. We’re sure it hurt to have his finger stomped on. We’ll give you that, Brooks. But there is no excuse to pass out in the ambulance. None. Zilch. Nada. If that had been Tierra, America would have been outraged. We won’t give Brooks a pass. We still like Brooks and think he and Des are adorbs together, but we refuse to let his display of wussiness (we just made up that word, we think) go unnoticed. You lose, Brooks.

The Guilt Trip Rose Award

This one goes to James, who said he needed some “reassurance” that he was doing the right thing choosing this show over his family situation. In addition to getting a (fictional) candy gram, James also gets a slow-clap standing ovation for this performance. He picked the perfect time to bring up this predicament, because it has been long enough for Des to get to know him a little bit, but not long enough that she’s completely ruled him out. He presented his situation in a very roundabout way and basically led Des into the result that he wanted. It was a thrilling, commendable performance and we salute James for managing to snag an early rose from Juan Pablo’s accented, seductive grasp.

The In Way Over His Head Award

This one goes to Brandon, who really just needs a hug. He is a prime example of someone who is just not prepared to handle the trials of the Bachelorette. His abandonment issues did not mix well with the pressures of this reality dating competition. He just couldn’t handle it and professed his feelings for Des, which freaked her out a little bit and led to his early dismissal. The pressures of this show were just too much for Brandon and we hope that he has had some time to decompress and relax a little bit. He seems like a great guy and deserves a wee bit of a break from the dating scene, probably.

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

Images on this blog are the property of ABC or their respectful owners.

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