It’s Thursday. That means it’s time for a new set of Power Rankings. The concept is really simple — we make up the order in our heads and say whatever we want. If you’re still a tad confused, here’s a more in-depth explanation:
Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelorette. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the men based on their interactions with each other and with Desiree. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Des views each of her suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the men at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.
Last week: #2
We are so Team Bryden right now. What’s not to like here? He’s slightly awkward, genuine, humble and down-to-earth. He’s a true gentleman. A war veteran. A man’s man. The world could use more men like him. There’s too many Mikeys runnin’ around out there (more on this later) and not enough Brydens.
We are a weee bit concerned Bryden will find himself in some hot water when he talks to Desiree about Ben next week, but hopefully she just listens and doesn’t get all cranky on us à la Ben Flajnik. Des, don’t be a fool…
Last week: #1
Brooks, you got skillz buddy. You got your face trampled on, snapped your finger in half, had to be helped over to a wambulance, passed out in said wambulance and then had to get 16 layers of bubble wrap taped around your fist. As if that wasn’t bad enough, you then showed up at the VIP Dodgeball After Party in the same horrendous, 1980s athletic garb you had on earlier. Surely, this would be enough to make Des be like, “Ew. Go away.” But no. Your series of unfortunate events (kind of like the ones in Lemony Snicket’s books but not as serious) had the opposite effect on Desiree. She was swooning so hard, especially when you were like, “You look amazing, btdubs.”
If that situation didn’t prove that Brooks is a serious frontrunner, we don’t know what will.
Last week: #7
Ermahgerd, we love Chris. He is so sweet. Des, who we gather is easily impressed, loved when he took her up to the roof of the building to chat. She ate it up. Des also recently revealed in an interview with Ryan Seacrest that she thought Chris had the best body in the house. That, alone, is a good enough reason to keep him around for a while, no?
Last week: #4
We just don’t know what to do with Ben. He is so annoying, but he’s not really doing anything wrong. Right now, it seems like the other guys are just mad because they’re being outsmarted by Ben. Any one of them could have stared out the tiny window in the front door like a creepy stalker and waited for Des to show up.
They, too, could have stolen Des away for a quick ride in the Bentley. But they didn’t. Are Ben’s tactics a little shady and underhanded? Fo sho. Is he being obnoxious and cocky about what he’s doing? Yeah, like all the time. But Ben isn’t breaking any rules. The guys (and we) may not like him, but obviously, right now, Des does.
5. Juan Pablo
Last week: #11
Seriously, every time we have to write about Juan Pablo, this is what we say: *sigh* “Ohhh, Juan Pablo. Why can we not have you all to ourselves?”
See, the thing about Juan Pablo is that we’re becoming slightly obsessed. Like, this is getting unhealthy. We have a feeling he’s not exactly what Des is looking for in a husband, but like, can he just stay on the show forever, please?
Is anybody else in this boat too?
Last week: #10
OK, James is slowly winning us over. He’s a little too meathead-ish for our taste, but he seems very sweet. The whole “please accept this daisy” gesture was adorable, and it was so endearing when he asked Des for reassurance. Perhaps our initial judgment was wrong. Could it be that he wants to be there for Des for all four seasons?
Last week: #6
Bachelor Nation, it’s officially time to stop hating on Zak. HE IS NOT WHO WE THOUGHT HE WAS (for all you football fans out there).
Zak started out as a flashy peacock and quickly turned into the little kitten in the corner purring for attention. So, now we’re all like, “Awww, he’s so cute,” instead of, “WTF is this guy’s deal?” Keep it up, Zak. As long as you keep your shirt and pants on when the situation calls for it, you’ll be aiight.
Last week: #3
So, last week, we made it our personal mission to whine and complain until Juan Pablo got more TV time. We accomplished that mission (don’t think we’re gonna forget about him though, producers), so this week, we’re moving on to Drew.
Here’s how much TV time Drew has approximately gotten so far: 0 minutes
Here’s how much TV time we would like Drew to have: more
Producers, what can we do to make this happen? Thanks in advance for your cooperation.
The Bachelor Burn Book writers
Last week: #12
Here’s what we know about Brad so far:
He’s got a 3-year-old son (OK, we’re cool with that). He was arrested for domestic violence, but apparently the charges were dropped because he was never actually violent (umm, OK, you’re makin’ us a little nervous). His baby mama is crazy, has a drinking problem and tried to steal his car…
When there’s a crazy baby mama involved, there’s only one option … RUN, DES, RUN!!
10. Michael G.
Last week: #9
Michael, you say this a lot:
“Ben is such a d-bag. He’s here for the wrong reasons. He’s walkin’ around in his fugly squared tank top acting like he’s got this in the bag. What a slimeball. He interrupts me mid-conversation, then I catch him kissing Des in her car, and now, he’s lying about it. You messed with the wrong guy, Ben.”
Michael, you need to start saying this a lot:
“Des is an amazing woman. I can’t wait to spend more time with her. She’s so kind and genuine. I would love to go on a one-on-one date with her. I just need to focus on getting to know her and showing her I’m here for the right reasons.”
Michael, if you don’t start saying the latter instead of the former, you’re going to be saying this:
“Uh, yeah. I’m just checking one bag.”
11. Zack K.
Last week: #8
Zack, where art thou? Who art thou? Show thine face to us. And speak. We hardly know ye.
Last week: #13
Kasey is doomed. Doomed, we tell you. That one-on-one date was no bueno. He was so into it, and Des was so … not. He may have gotten the rose, but let’s face it. The windstorm swept Des off her feet more than Kasey did.
C’mon, you know you want to laugh at our cheesy joke…
Last week: #16
Ever since we started reading Jen Frase’s blog, which you can read by clicking here, we have become convinced that Mikey is in the mob. Either that, or he’s a fist-pumping, GTL-loving drama-starter. Maybe he’s both. Irregardless, he’s annoying and needs to go.
Also, Ben, you better watch your back (if Mikey is in the mob, that is).
We really hope his girlfriend/ex-girlfriend didn’t throw rocks at his face after they left the show. You know, just for safety reasons and stuff like that…
Keep your head up, Dan. It could be worse. You could’ve been going commando when you split your pants. Always gotta find that silver lining…
Poor Brandon. He set himself up for a loss so early. You can’t
get anywhere fall in love in three seconds.
We had such high hopes for you, Brandon, and ya let us down.
Also, did anyone else think he was about to have a Kacie Boguskie “WHAT HAPPENED?!” moment? Because we sure did.
Best of luck, Brandon. We’ll be rooting for you.
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