Chris Harrison, you are a man with many tricks up the sleeve of your Chris Harrison Collection shirt.
And apparently, this was the week that he decided to unload all of those tricks. First, he reveals that there will be two group dates and only one one-on-one date. Then, he launches his own investigation into Brian’s shady past and storms into the mansion with some woman who is both angry and Brian’s girlfriend. Then, after that, he surprises us all with the announcement that a daytime pool party will be replacing the usual cocktail party. This episode was anarchy. All the rules were broken. We had to watch the episode twice just to make sense of it all. We’re still trying to wrap our minds around that whole pool party instead of cocktail party thing, but for the most part, we’ve figured it all out and we’re ready to break it down for ya:
Balls. Balls balls balls.
The beginning portion of this episode was all about balls. Balls in the air. Balls on the ground. Balls being thrown. Balls flying around. Balls whizzing by. Balls to the wall. Marbles. Balls everywhere. It was mass chaos.
Guys, we’re talking about the dodgeball game. Get your mind out of the gutter. But seriously, how many times did those guys use the word “balls?” It was getting slightly out of hand.
Anyone up for a fierce game of dodgeball and a trip to the ER?
So, after Des tells the men that the winning dodgeball team gets extra time with her, the guys go change into some superrr sexy uniforms.
Yes, the team attire was less than flattering, but hey, at least they didn’t have to wear kilts.
It could have been worse. Way worse.
But then, it did get way worse … for Brooks, at least. He got trampled in the stampede of beefcakes, broke his finger, had to go to the hospital in a wambulance and then passed out.
I guess creepy Larry wasn’t his ER doctor because he ended up being fine. He just has to put eight layers of padding over his hand and hold his arm at a 45 degree angle for the next six weeks.
In the end, blue team rules, red team drools.
DODGEBALL AFTER PARTYYYY!!
As it turned out, the red team didn’t drool because Des was like, “Whatevs. You’re all coming to the VIP Dodgeball After Party.” And so they did. Nothing super eventful happened, but we’ll note the important plot points:
Michael G. decided it was a good idea to wear a Hanes v-neck white tee.
Michael, this is totes inappropes. This is not a lazy day at the Bachelor mansion. You’re at the VIP Dodgeball After Party! There are paparazzi outside! Dress up a little bit!
Then, Chris takes Des to a secluded spot, where they share a beautiful moment.
Brandon, what the deuce are you thinking?! Why must you act like a crazy, jealous ex-girlfriend? Please stop creeping from atop the skyscraper. Do not be that guy. Why are you being that guy? Ughh, we have lost all hope.
Desiree isn’t wearing any pants!
Oh no, wait. Are those … nude leggings? Who told Des it was a good idea to wear nude leggings? Did she make this executive decision herself? Starting with the nude leggings, this whole day was doomed for failure, as we shall soon see…
“I did throw rocks at you because you’re a jerk!”
OK, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…
After Des learns from Chris Harrison that Brian never planned to be there for her for all four seasons because he has a girlfriend back home, she gets in the Bentley and drives over to the mansion like a woman scorned. Upon her arrival, she informs Kasey that their one-on-one date has been delayed because she needs to speak with Brian … alone.
Side note and a warning to all future contestants:
If the Bachelorette delays her one-on-one date to speak with you privately, IT’S A TRAP! This is not a good thing! She knows your secrets and is about to expose you for the liar that you are! You need to make a quick decision to either ‘fess up or start climbing through the shrubbery to get away.
Anyway, the girlfriend starts yelling at Brian for being a pig and pretends to cry.
He fervently denies that he and said woman are still an item. There’s an exchange about a past argument that involved the girlfriend throwing rocks at Brian. The girlfriend drops a bombshell and reveals that she and Brian slept together two days before he left for the show. Brian finally admits the claim is true, and Chris Harrison says this:
“Brian, you can’t sit with us! You need to leave right now. Go upstairs and pack your bags. Big Pauly will then escort you to the Black Van of Doom with No Windows. You will be taking the Greyhound home. Actually, no. You have to hitchhike. Your privileges to say your goodbyes have been revoked.”
Well, he didn’t say that exactly, but you get the idea. Brian subsequently follows Chris Harrison’s orders, while the rest of the guys are all like, “HURRY! ACT NATURAL! … La la la la. We weren’t just eavesdropping…” After Brian is escorted off the premises by Big Pauly, Des and the girlfriend have a “girl power” moment, and the rest is history.
Hashtag one-on-one date fail.
Let’s recap Kasey’s date, shall we? First, they have a horrible time dancing on the side of the building. Des pretty much gave up and let go of the harness because she was all pooped out. After that, a windstorm arrives, candles are extinguished, stuff breaks and Des whines about being cold. The two then decide to enjoy the lovely weather by going for a dip in the pool. Des becomes even colder, their towels fall in the pool, they share an awkward kiss and Kasey gets a pity rose.
Ay dios mio, Juan Pablo.
Nos gusta Juan Pablo mucho. He can whisper a recipe for pasta in our ear anytime, and we will whisper sweet Spanglish nothings in return.
We were so jealous of Des’ date with Juan Pablo. You can totally tell he’s a good kisser, AND they got to share “popcorns and stuff.” Oh Juan Pablo, you make us melt like a popsicle on the Fourf of July.
Ben’s hair is so big because it’s full of secrets.
…Secrets that everyone knows about. How stupid does he think the other guys are? Everyone knows your “secrets,” Ben. All the guys can see that you just went for a car ride with Des. You are not as sneaky as you think you are. There are cameras following you. Duh.
“I can’t even cry. I’m just out of tears.”
Oh, Brandon. Brandon Brandon Brandon. You overdid it, buddy. The awkward kiss, the abundance of man tears, the outpouring of emotion. It was all too much too soon. It’s no wonder you were out of tears by the time you got sent home.
She asked me how to spell orange.
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.
“The thing is I don’t know how to spit like a cowboy, which sucks. But it’s ok.”
“There’s a snake in my boots … my boot … my boots.”
— Juan Pablo
Ohh, Juan Pablo. Just stick to the español. Speaking in a country western accent is not your strong suit.
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