Ho ho ho ho ho! We have candy-cane-grams and awards to hand out!
Well, actually, we have awards sans the candy-cane-grams. So, hopefully you’re not too disappointed. We may have left the candy-cane-grams with Damien, but we brought our most judgmental and witty set of jokes for this post. If you don’t think they’re that funny … well, sorry, we tried.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Awards? Glen Cocos? What the deuce is this?”, here’s the jist:
Basically, The Glen Cocos are a rotating awards system. We’ll make up a bunch of random awards and hand them out to people each week. Some will be serious. Most of them will (hopefully) be funny. In your mind’s eye, picture them being handed out by Chris Harrison dressed in a Santa suit.
The Best Sob Story Award
So many qualified nominees, yet so difficult to choose the most dramatic story. We considered Brooks, who has some serious daddy issues. Then, we thought, “What about Michael, the diabetic?” But their stories simply weren’t making us sob in dramatic fashion. So, we boiled it down to Bryden and Brandon, and the winner is … *struggling to open envelope* … Bryden! Yes, we had to give this one to Bryden. He told a horrific tale of heroism, bravery and broken bones. Oh no, wait. He didn’t just tell said tale, he brought pictures to share with the class. Images of swollen, black-and-blue eyes and a mangled car graced our TV screen, and we watched in awe. But not because of his story — it was because he actually BROUGHT THE PICTURES with him.
If you carry around pictures of the aftermath of your gruesome accident, you will win this award every time.
The I Need Another Box of Manpons Award
Brandon didn’t win the last award, but he’s definitely got this one in the bag. Brandon’s emotions are running rampant. The tears. The jealousy. The sadz. It’s all too much too soon.
Did somebody check his wrist for a beating heart tattoo? Brandon, take it down a few notches, buddy. One minute, you’re a hot guy riding a motorcycle and the next, you’re talking about butterflies? Can somebody let this guy know his manpon string is showing?
The Tierra’s Eyebrow Award
In honor of Tierra LiCausi and her infamous eyebrow, we proudly present this award to Brian. No, his eyebrow isn’t nearly as wonky as Tierra’s, but it’s the next best thing. It was all we could focus on when he was talking to Des. His one eye was pretty much closed, while his eyebrow on the other side was moving uncontrollably. But, hey, don’t worry Brian. We understand. That’s your face! You can’t help it! You haven’t had Botox. You can’t control your eyebrow! You can’t control what’s on your face 24/7! (Does that tirade sound familiar?) 🙂
The Worst Rapping Skillz Award
…goes to everyone on that incredibly awkward group date. Dan, Juan Pablo, Kasey, Zack K., Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zak W., Nick, Michael, Brandon and Ben: please step up and shamefully accept this award. Congratulations, fellas. You deserve it.
By the way, we’re sure you all would have done a better job if ABC had brought in a better mentor … like Amanda Bynes…
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