Week 1: Power Rankings

The journey has begun! After months of anxious waiting, Des’ quest for love has finally begun and, well, let’s just say The Bachelorette producers gave her quite the selection of suitors. This is a rag-tag team of men. Some could very well be Des’ Mr. Right. Most of them, though, are well … not. We understand that it must be overwhelming to sort through 25 guys and figure out who is your best match, so we’re going to help.

Have we met Des? No. Do we have any idea of her “type?” No. Is that going to stop us from ranking all of the men every week? Heck no. If you’re new here, here’s how the Power Rankings work:

Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelorette. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the men based on their interactions with each other and with Desiree. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Des views each of her suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the men at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.

1. Ben

Ben

Last week: #5

Our notes for Ben: “Cutest kid. Smiles a lot. Perfect?” and then a bunch of exclamation points. At this point, we like Ben. A lot. And evidently, Desiree does as well, because he got that coveted first rose.

2. Drew

Drew

Last week: #7

Drew’s simple, understated introduction caught our attention. So many guys feel like they need to pull off these elaborate introductions, but there’s something to be said about a nervous guy who just wants to impress. Basically, Drew seems like a normal guy, right down to blatantly checking out Des when he was supposed to be listening to what she was saying.

3.  Bryden

Bryden

Last week: #17

God bless America … and Bryden. He seems like a solid, dependable guy. He’s good-looking (but not in this picture, obvi), likes dogs and was another one of those guys who had an understated introduction. There’s nothing gimmick-y about Bryden. We like that, and we think Des might too.

4. Brandon

Brandon

Last week: #2

It is totally coincidental that we like all the guys with B names + Drew. Sorry, we’re not sorry. Brandon is just about darn near perfect. He comes from humble beginnings like Des and was able to openly talk about his difficult family life. We can appreciate that. Besides, everyone likes a hot guy who rides a motorcycle.

5. Brooks

Brooks

Last week: #14

While discussing this week’s Power Rankings, we texted this exchange:

Person 1: Drew seems sweet and I like Brooks.
Person 2: Ew. Brooks. No. He has greasy hair.

Basically, we are divided on Brooks. It appears that he makes it quite far, based on the previews, but we’re not seeing it yet. Catherine 2.0? (Also, Brooks, wash your hair. You’re losing potential fans here.)

6. Michael G.

Michael G.

Last week: #3

He climbed in the fountain. Basically, he got wet before Zak but managed to keep his pants on. As a result, he got a rose. At this point, we know that swimming is an easy way to get a rose from Des.

7. Nick M.

Nick M.

Last week: #8

Nick was nice, but ultimately forgettable. We’re hoping he gets more screen time because he seems like a nice guy. However, you know what they say on The Bachelorette: “Nice guys don’t get on camera.”

8. Brad

Brad

Last week: #10

This guy pulled the wishbone stunt during the intros. Can you rig a wishbone pull? Like, pull easier or something? Because how bad would it be if you were like, “Hey, make a wish and if you get the biggest piece, your wish will come true.” And then the other person loses and you’re all like, “Oops, sorry, hope your wish wasn’t for love while you’re on a reality dating show because you lost and my wish wins. Bummer, man.”

9. James

James

Last week: #19

James seems like a smooth operator. He basically took Ryan’s list from last year and renovated it to make it seem like a dream list of qualities, even down to the whole “I don’t care if you get fat” thing. Nicely done, James. We’re still pretty sure you’re a total butthead, though.

10. Robert

Robert

Last week: #9

Robert claims to have invented sign spinning. How is this possible? We feel like sign spinning can’t be “invented.” We always thought it was invented organically, like street dancing or something. Granted, we hadn’t given much thought to who invented sign spinning, but you would think some guy was just standing there, holding a sign, heard some jams and started dancing and spinning the sign. According to Robert, we were very, very wrong.

11. Chris

Chris

Last week: #12

Chris watches The Office. And there is only ONE Jim Halpert. One!

12. Juan Pablo

Juan Pablo

Last week: #6

Juan Pablo has fancy feet. And, apparently, he’s recruiting for a soccer team. We also hope he’s not as creepy as Alessandro from last season (vampires and dating cousins, anyone?).

13. Zack K.

Zack K.

Last week: #4

He wore Chucks with his suit. This is either awesome or weird. We haven’t decided yet.

14. Mikey T.

Mikey T.

Last week: #22

Mikey T. seems like a passable guy (except for the fact that he actually, legitimately wants to be called Mikey). He blended into the background a little bit, but that’s OK. We’re not ready to give Mikey a thumbs up, but we are willing to give him an outstretched fist. This will eventually turn into a thumbs up or a thumbs down at a later date. He’s a solid “eh” right now.

15. Will

Will

Last week: #16

Will, stop trying to make high fives happen (especially with random strangers on the street). They are never going to happen.

16. Zak

Zak W.

Last week: #1 (We know. We’re embarrassed.)

How uncomfortable do you think it was to ride in Zak’s limo? He either got in the limo without a shirt or got in the limo fully clothed and proceeded to TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF IN A LIMO FULL OF DUDES. Did other guys start to feel pressure to remove their shirts? Were they intimidated by his abs and spray tan? So many questions.

17. Brian

Brian

Last week: #25

We do not feel like it is necessary to have an opinion on Brian. We do not feel like he will be around very long, and we are not going to waste our time pretending to care.

18. Dan

Dan

Last week: #13

No notes on Dan. We’re just hoping he gets to go on a beach date so we can see if he actually wears a Speedo or not. He might sit on a throne of lies.

19. Kasey

Kasey

Last week: #21

#no.

Eliminated

20. Nick R.

Nick R.

Magic Nick thought his skillz would “give him an edge.” As it turns out though, Des is a grown woman, not six years old. And you’re telling us she wasn’t interested in a magician? We are SHOCKED.

21. Diogo

Diogo

Did he already own that suit of armor, or did he steal it out of a museum or something? We’ll never know.

22. Micah

Micah

Designed own suit. Des was not impressed. Clown suit got him sent home in clown car (at least that’s how we pictured him getting sent home).

23. Mike R.

Mike R.

Des sent this career student back to school. (We’re chuckling at that joke. High five? Anyone? Will, where ya at?)

24. Larry

Larry

Oy. Larry. Not McDreamy. More like McClumsy. Or McCreepy. That is all.

25. Jonathan

Jonathan

You know how Bachelor(ette) alums tend to date/marry other alums? Jonathan’s perfect match is Ashley P. Maybe she’ll empty out his love tank.

And finally, for your viewing pleasure, we present to you the true(ish) story of what the eliminated contestants decided to do after driving away from the Bachelorette Mansion.

P.S. Chris Harrison choreographed this display of dance moves. Larry wanted to choreograph, but after what he did to Des’ dress, he was removed from the position.

P.S.S. Micah wanted to be in the video too, but he didn’t have the abs to make the cut.

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

Images on this blog are the property of ABC or their respectful owners.

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