All we can say is … it’s about dang time.
After an eternity (actually, two months) of waiting, The Bachelorette logo finally appeared on our television screen. What better way to honor America than watching a who’s who of America’s idiots and Prince Charmings compete for the affection of America’s Sweetheart? There is no better way.
We enjoyed every single second of that two-hour introduction to Desiree’s season and we’ve finally been able to stop hyperventilating with excitement long enough to write down our thoughts on the premiere.
Welcome to the first recap of Desiree’s season. Let’s get to it.
Today was a fairytale…at least for Des.
Desiree dropped fairytale cliche after fairytale cliche during her intro and we can’t blame her. Sure, she’s a humble girl, but having your hair and makeup done, jetting around the world and being wooed by 25 guys is enough to make any girl feel like a princess.
Our response to this?
Who cares about the storybook ending at this point? Bring on the boys!
Will is the Oprah of high fives.
Everyone gets a high five! He gives them out for free, as opposed to all of those people who go around charging others to slap their sweaty, germ-infested hand. Oh, wait? People don’t usually do that? Nevermind.
Instead of high fives, we wish Will was giving out free clothes.
Because maybe then he could find Zak and give him a pair of pants. There are two apparent problems with Zak. The first is that he is entirely too tan. The second is that he doesn’t seem to understand that people should be clothed in public. We’ll get back to this subject later.
Oh na na, what’s your name?
Desiree has clearly already charmed some of these guys. Drew, Brooks and Bryden were so excited to meet her that they forgot to tell her their names! This caught our attention and obviously caught Desiree’s attention as well. We love the dramatic, ridiculous entrances as much as the next girls, but it was pretty refreshing to see a couple of guys act normal and a little nervous. We’re thinking these guys might stick around for a while.
We prefer Magic Mike (the Channing Tatum version) to Magic Nick.
Hashtag try too hard
Kasey. Kasey, Kasey, Kasey, Kasey, Kasey. #noonethinksyou’refunny #you’renotcreative #desisfakelaughingatyou. #nooneactuallysaysthewordhashtagwithoutlookinglikeabutthead
Best wingman? Your kid, duh.
Did you hear that sound? It was the collective gushing of every woman in the country when Ben sent Brodie out of that limo. The only problem? It helped him land a rose during the cocktail party, which almost always puts a target on your back. If Ben turns out to be the villain this season, we’re going to be madder than Regina George after she found out Cady switched her face stuff with foot cream.
Zak takes his pants off. We have many questions.
What if Zak refuses to wear a full outfit because he doesn’t own a full outfit? What if he is the ultimate contestant from humble beginnings? What if we’re really mean for making fun of him for not wearing a shirt because he actually doesn’t own a shirt? What if he wanted to go in the pool, but doesn’t have a bathing suit? What else is he supposed to do? What if Zak’s an actual nudist?
Thank God Desiree gave this guy a rose. We need more time to get answers.
My love tank hasn’t been depleted in years — Jonathan.
Why hasn’t Jon’s love tank been depleted? Let us list the ways. He propositioned Des right out of the limo. He nearly started a small fire setting up a “fantasy suite.” He got super duper drunk. He stole her away not once, but twice. Basically, future contestants, watch everything that Jonathan does and then DON’T DO THOSE THINGS.
He’s not here for the right reasons!
In all the seasons we’ve watched the Bachelor franchise, we have never, ever heard this term used in this way. Jonathan was sent home before the rose ceremony because he tried to lure Des into a secluded fantasy suite. So basically, Jonathan’s reasons for being on the show were, ahem, of the private variety. We thought we’d reached the point where nothing on this show could surprise us. This phrase used in this way? That surprised us (but only a little).
So many roses, so few viable options.
There are some real winners in Des’ group of suitors. There are also some real duds. We think Des did a pretty good job of weeding out the guys who were weirdos. She made Magic Nick disappear. She sent Mr. Knight in Shining Armor back to his castle. She ushered Larry the Dancing Doctor back to ballroom lessons. She also sent a handful of other bland guys home. Kudos, Des. We wouldn’t have changed a single selection.
“Up Next on the Bachelorette…” is our favorite show.
Oh, Chris Harrsion. When you say those five words, we get all giddy inside. This season looks incredible. Two potential villains! Man tears! A fight (or maybe two)! Helicopter rides! Running through forests! Running on beaches! Crying on docks! Crying on chairs! Crying in confessionals! Roses! Ex-girlfriends! ERMAHGERD!
It’s just too much to handle. These previews, they are all just too much. We’re like the little kids who consumed too much sugar. We’re just running around our living room, bouncing off of walls and hollering nonsense. This season looks incredible. We’re glad you’re along for the ride.
She asked me how to spell orange.
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.
“How many roses are there?”
This exchange happened right after Desiree gave the first rose to Ben. Whoever decided that subtracting one rose from 25 was just too difficult should really meet Lindsay from Sean’s season. We feel like they’d get along famously.
Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.