In anticipation of the newest (and, inevitably, most dramatic) season of The Bachelorette, we thought we’d create a preseason edition of our Power Rankings for all you fine people. How can we rank Des’s men before the premiere, you ask? Well, by wasting time reading through each of their riveting bios and illegible surveys on ABC’s website, of course. We highly encourage you to check them out (click here to read bios) if you enjoy deciphering handwriting that you would expect to see from a bunch of kindergarteners. Anyway, here’s how our fabulous Power Rankings work:
Every week, we’ll tell you who we think did the best, who did the worst and who got completely lost in the shuffle on the latest episode of The Bachelorette. We’ll rank (and kind of judge) the men based on their interactions with each other and with Desiree. Of course, we’ll factor in how we think Des views each of her suitors, as well. Just think of it as if we’re seating the men at the appropriate tables in the Mean Girls cafeteria.
1. Zak W.
Ignore the fact that he’s doing the sorority lean in his headshot. We’re putting this guy first because he’s obviously hilarious. In his survey, he said if he could have lunch with one person, it would be Cookie Monster. Why? Because “it would be fun to watch him eat.” He clearly has our sense of humor.
This man is hot. That is why he is second.
3. Michael G.
He’s attractive, has a good job, claims to be neat and seems to be ready for marriage. Oh, and we should also note that his shoe size is 14. You know what they say about guys with big feet…
4. Zack K.
The second Zack also seems like a standup guy. In addition to being a self-proclaimed romantic, he was drafted to play professional baseball. This means he’s athletic, so we’re going to go ahead and assume he has nice muscles. Sold.
At this point, we’re just hoping he’s better than Bachelor Ben. That’s not a tall order, so there’s really no way he can screw this up.
6. Juan Pablo
Juan Pablo is sixth because he is muy caliente, but Juan Pablo might also be a bit of a toolbag. In the questionnaire, he noted that his “ideal mate” would have “good size breasts.” Really, Juan Pablo? You’re supposed to pretend like you don’t care about that stuff and you’re all about finding that “special connection.” He clearly missed the memo.
Anyone else think this guy looks a lot like Jake Pavelka? Because we do. And we like Jake Pavelka, so we’ll probably like Drew too. That was a logical thought process, right?
8. Nick M.
We’re betting Nick M. is going to be the classic good guy this season. He seems very humble, down-to-earth and actually, you know, interested in finding love.
Robert is all about the romance. Robert has nice eyes and nice hair. Based on our minimal research and superficial judgments, we believe Robert will be accepting a lot of roses.
Brad also seems to be genuine and fairly serious about the show. It’s kind of strange that he’s both an accountant and a DJ though. He’s kind of like a mullet — business in the front, party in the back.
Jonathan is all about being active and adventurous. Perfect. Just what Des is looking for. However, we do take issue with Jonathan’s “three best attributes.” Height. Shoe size. Vertical leap. Really, Jonathan? Of all the things, this is what you want us (and Des) to notice? How deep.
Chris knows what’s up. He doesn’t like when girls talk “uncontrollably loud” and are “being obnoxious.” Amen to that.
Apparently, Dan has worn a Speedo since he was 5 years old. Bravo, Dan. We don’t exactly find a man in a Speedo attractive, but you gotta have a lot of confidence to wear one of those bad boys in public.
He seems like a nice enough guy, so I guess we’ll just put him here. He could really use a haircut though.
15. Mike R.
Good thing about Mike R.: He appears to be focused and career-driven.
Strange fact about Mike R. that we did not want to know: He has had sex in public while on a military base.
Will says he won’t do meth for love, so that’s good. He’s drawn the line in the sand and isn’t willing to cross it. Desiree, you have been warned.
Hopefully Desiree has good skin, or else Bryden isn’t interested.
Micah’s idea of “the ultimate date” is taking a woman to Costco because he could “really get to know someone and not just create a romantic ambiance.” Um, I beg your pardon? There are a million other places where you can get to know your date without all the ambiance. Costco is certainly not one of the places that comes to mind.
Meh. We can’t really find anything good or bad to say about this guy. He just doesn’t look like someone who we would want to sit with us.
Diogo has vampire eyes. Also, he likes to give people “the chance to get to discover him for free.” For free? How generous that he doesn’t make people pay him in order to get to know him.
We’ve got a name-dropper on our hands. Kasey decided to use the questionnaire to pump up his status instead of his personality. He’s made websites for Jennifer Lopez and LeBron James. His brother-in-law has been nominated for two Grammies. His dad played professional baseball for the Dodgers, and his good friend plays in the NBA. Blah blah blah blah blah. We’ve already had enough of this yokester.
22. Mikey T.
This guy looks like one of those “gorilla juiceheads” that Snooki would talk about on Jersey Shore. He goes by Mikey, wears a deep V and fondly recalls doing a striptease in front of hundreds of sorority girls. He probably dreams of GTL-ing and fist pumping with Pauly D. and The Situation.
23. Nick R.
Not only is he a tailor/magician, but he felt the need to explain his distaste for “high-maintenance label whores.” Ease up, tailor/magician. No need to use derogatory language in a Bachelor questionnaire.
Larry, what do you hope to get out of participating in this television show?
Larry: Maybe a lady friend.
OK, first of all, who says “lady friend?” Second of all, maybe? Just maybe? Isn’t finding a “lady friend” kind of the whole point of this show?
It’s safe to say that this guy is probably a d-bag. I mean, seriously, look at his answer to this question:
Q: What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show?
A: I hope to get an in-depth look in a larger-than-normal-life setting of the reality of the idea of love and connection. The idea of the integration of normal love and companionship into the various situations this show presents would be something I believe very worthwhile.
You sound like a fool, Brian. And one of your favorite movies is The Notebook? Right. Next, please.
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