We can’t believe this season is already over. It went by so fast, and now, we have absolutely nothing to do on Monday nights. How terribly depressing. On a lighter note though, we want to thank you all for making Bachelor Burn Book such a success in our first season. We honestly thought we’d have like 20 blog views and 10 Twitter followers, half of whom would probably be spam bots. So, truly, thank you for reading along and tweeting with us. We hope you’ll stick around. Anyway, let’s get to the good stuff.
Tonight, on the most shocking, dramatic, earth-shattering After The Final Rose reunion EVAR…
We are going to reveal late breaking news that is going to surprise exactly four people out of the millions watching this show right now. GASP! Say it ain’t so, Chris Harrison! You mean to tell us we have to wait a whole 48 minutes to find out this riveting secret that has been kept hidden in The Bachelor vault for the past 24 hours? What torture!
He loves her. And he totally complimented her. That is so fetch.
After Chris Harrison was done touting this epic late breaking news, we finally got to see Sean, who was, in all likelihood, sporting a suit (and skinny tie) from the Chris Harrison Collection. While the suit might have been what had Sean all hot and bothered, we’re more inclined to believe Catherine was the real reason he was so giddy. Sean was absolutely glowing as he talked about his new fiancé. He was smiling so much that his cheeks probably started to hurt. It was so cute. He’s totally in love.
We’d love to keep talking about Sean and Catherine, but we have to take care of a “bit of business” first.
Gosh, Chris Harrison. Is that how you see Lindsay — as a “bit of business?” How insensitive. Well, nuisance or not, Lindsay got her long-awaited chance to face Sean and ask him what went wrong. As we’re sure you all know by now, Lindsay has been the butt of a lot of our jokes, but honestly, we have not one bad thing to say about her here. She handled her reunion with Sean with true grace and class. She didn’t get upset or start sobbing uncontrollably. She asked good questions, gave Sean a chance to explain and even laughed at times. Lindsay was very mature about the whole situation, and she deserves major credit for that. Most women would have been whining and crying and hurling insults at their rejector. Bravo, Lindsay. We don’t have the means to write it on a lantern and release it into the starry night, but we wish you all the happiness in the world.
OK, now back to Sean and Catherine…
D’aww, their interview with Chris Harrison was just so darn cute! They were all like, “Honestly, we just want to hold hands and be in love. And go to the movies and go out to eat and hold hands.” Good for them! Get out there and do some hand-holding in public, you two. They must feel so lucky. I mean, wouldn’t you if you thought you found true love on a reality show? Also, Catherine deserves some serious credit for not acting jealous and insecure now that the show has aired. Obviously, it must be hard to see your new fiancé makeout with and develop feelings for several other women, but Catherine made it seem like no big deal. She came across as confident, self-assured and secure that her relationship with Sean is strong and nothing is going to ruin that.
Sean is such a bawl bag.
Or is it ball bag? What exactly is a bawl bag? Chris Harrison, can you please explain this to us? This is a foreign term that has not yet entered our vocabulary. Did he just make that up on the fly? Is he trying to get creative now that he has a new clothing line? As strange as Chris Harrison’s new term is, we caught the drift. Sean is a crier. He said he wasn’t, but he so is. It’s OK, Sean. Don’t be ashamed. We love a man who isn’t afraid to shed a tear.
We now interrupt this recap to inform you of some late breaking news.
This is it. This is the moment we have been waiting a whole 48 minutes for. Drum roll, please … Sean and Catherine will exchange their vows on TV, and it’s going to happen soon! *Pause for the live audience’s forced surprised gasps* Womp womp. This “late breaking news” wasn’t very late or breaking because we definitely read about it in, like, three tabloids a week ago. That’s OK though. We know it’s all about the ratings and dramatization. Which reminds us … did you hear that this upcoming season of The Bachelorette is going to be the most shocking and dramatic EVER?!
Chris Harrison, who doubles as an ordained minister, wants to marry Sean and Catherine RIGHT NOW.
The news about the TV wedding was just too much for him to bear. He wanted to hold the ceremony, right then and there, in front of 100 of the most judgmental women in America with 12 minutes left in the show. The man was literally getting up from his seat, until Sean was like, “Whoa, buddy. I’m just as excited as you are, but we’d like to actually plan the wedding and invite our family and friends.” Chris Harrison looked a little bummed, but hey, maybe he’ll still get to officiate their wedding like he did Ashley and J.P.’s.
And the next Bachelorette is…
Des! Woo, we’re so excited! Good choice, ABC. She’s going to do a great job, and we’re fairly certain we won’t turn on her by the end of the season. And of course, in newly-announced Bachelorette fashion, Des was shaking hands and kissing babies last night at the end of the show. She’s ready to roll, and we’re ready to watch.
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