Oh, Sean. We hardly knew ye as the Bachelor. These seasons just whiz by so fast. They say time flies when you’re having fun, but it also flies when you’re watching some delectable beefcake take his shirt off on the regs. We’ll miss Sean’s beefy arms and pecs … for about six days. Then we’ll see them on Dancing with the Stars and all will be right in the world again. But forget mirror ball trophies and televised weddings … we’ve got a finale to recap. Without further ado, here is our final recap of the greatest Bachelor season of them all.
Spoiler alert: Emily didn’t pick you!
…but she also didn’t get picked to be on Dancing with the Stars, so it’s all fair. Sean’s adorable nephew is apparently a world-class troll, because he wasted absolutely no time reminding Sean about the time he got his heart crushed on national television. Kids say the darndest things, amiright? The little cutie (the kid, not Sean) was one of the many in the Lowe clan to travel to Thailand to meet Sean’s lady loves. Although they couldn’t really select a front-runner for Sean’s heart, we can all agree on one thing: We’re pretty sure that they belong in the Barbie dream house. So much blonde hair!
Catherine isn’t just going to get a husband, she’ll get a cheerleader, too.
If you didn’t tear up during this part, you might not have a soul. Who doesn’t want to be a Lowe (besides Emily Maynard)? Jay made Catherine–and us–tear up when he told her he’d be her biggest cheerleader. The finale is usually filled with tear-jerking moments and this was no exception. Catherine had shared a lot about her fractured relationship with her father, so clearly this meant something to her. We cried happy tears.
I just like hanging out with him all the time.
Hanging out is fun. Hanging out is cool. But, by God, Lindsay, your answer to this question was a little lackluster. From the awkward hand motions that made you look like you were conducting traffic to the word vomit of reasons why you loved Sean, you looked like a hyperactive rabbit instead a woman preparing to marry the love of her life. We’re sure Lindsay was sincere, but this exchange just highlighted the differences between her and Catherine.
“On our first date, it felt like our fifth date.”
Do you usually wear a wedding dress on the fifth date, Lindsay? And get white girl wasted? And almost get sent home? What kind of dates are you going on, girl? And who taught you how to do math?
Rock the vote.
Jay and Sherry need a Twitter. Jay’s proposal to conduct a vote on Sean’s choices had us roaring in laughter. What kind of vote was he thinking of doing? A private ballot? A town hall sort of scenario? Would they write their votes down? Just raise their hands publicly? Would Sean’s niece and nephews get a say? Would Chris Harrison step into tally the ballots? We have so many questions.
Sherry’s too smart for this show.
She wasn’t buying the whole falling in love in a few months thing. We could almost hear Mike Fleiss in the background, yelling into his headset, “Neutralize her! She’s onto us! We must have a proposal!” Mike had nothing to worry about, though. Sean shut down his mom’s negativity pretty quickly. We hope she’s thrilled with his selection.
It’s like Lindsay has ESPN or something.
When she told Sean that she couldn’t believe this was their last date, we groaned. Catherine was clearly the frontrunner at this point, but Lindsay’s innocence in this situation was a brutal reminder that someone was going to be heartbroken at the end of this. Lindsay unknowingly anticipated her demise. We also suspect her boobs can tell when it’s raining. She’s a psychic, which might come in handy if the whole substitute teaching thing doesn’t work out.
Junk in the trunk
Sean took Catherine to ride elephants, and Catherine was absolutely giddy throughout the date. If Lindsay had been on that date, she probably would have exclaimed, “Wow! These elephants are so much bigger than the ones in my animal cracker box!” (In case you couldn’t tell, we’re really going to miss making Lindsay jokes during the off season. It’s just too easy.)
Ghosts of girlfriends past
Sean thought he was done with the other 24 women after the Women Tell All, but Chris Harrison had one more trick up his sleeve. He invited Jackie, Sarah, Lesley and AshLee back for a little analysis during the live finale. We’re sure Chris loved being surrounded by these ladies again because, well, he’s such a little skeeze.
This was way better than that intersection from last year.
Remember when Jef proposed to Emily in the middle of an intersection? We do! And we were thrilled that the producers found a better location for Sean’s special day. We were able to enjoy the proposal more easily when we weren’t worried about a contestant getting hit by a bus.
Was it me?
No, it’s Catherine. Lindsay handled this situation with total class, but she definitely gave Sean the chance to give the ‘ol “it’s not you, it’s me.” The problem, really, was just that Lindsay wasn’t Catherine. She’ll bounce back. We made fun of Lindsay a lot this season, but we were beyond impressed with how she handled her heartbreak. You go, girl. And also, give us a heads up when it’s already raining, OK?
It’s all over when you divorce your shoes.
If you’re a guy and you happen to be reading this, remember this: When a girl takes her shoes off, she’s either done trying to impress you or she’s drunk. Lindsay was drunk on the first night and managed to keep her shoes on. This time, though, she was heartbroken and didn’t give two you-know-whats about what Sean thought of her outfit. Have you ever tried to walk through rocks in heels? It’s not fun. We don’t blame her for taking her shoes off.
Catherine’s letter is perfection.
We weren’t sure what to think when we saw the letter in promos. Was it from Sean’s mom? Des? One of the girls writing to break Sean’s heart? In the end, though, the letter came from the perfect person. Catherine had been giving Sean little notes all season, so it’s only fitting that she had one more up her sleeve for the big day. The tears started at this point and they didn’t stop until the ring was on her finger.
Hey, Chris. Hyperbole is appropriate here.
Best. Proposal. Ever. We laughed, we cried, we gasped over that gorgeous ring! The proposal was exactly what we’d expect from Sean: sincere, classy and understated. Sean was a great Bachelor that relaunched the Bachelor series and this perfect proposal was the icing on top of the Bachelor cake. Congratulations, Sean and Catherine. We can’t wait until the wedding.
She asked me how to spell orange.
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.
“No monkeys, just me!’ –Lindsay
This might not be something you want to say to your potential fiancé’s family when you meet them for the first time, but what do we know? We’re not really sure why Lindsay thinks she’s the closest thing to a monkey in her hometown, but whatevs. To each their own, even if they are comparing themselves to wild animals. Whatever floats your boat.
We hope that Lindsay’s record-setting number of appearances in the “She asked me how to spell orange” category is an appropriate consolation prize for not winning Sean’s heart. At least she won something.
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