Week 8: I was half a virgin when I met you!

It’s fantasy suite date time!

What’s our fantasy? Not having to write an introduction for this recap, so we didn’t. Let’s get busy.

Love. Emotions. Unexpectedly wonderful journey. Confusion. Blah blah blah.

The beginning part of this episode was BORRRING. Sean narrated his way through an extremely long video montage that detailed his journey with each of the three remaining women. He then proceeded to tell us how he has strong feelings for all of them and is confused and doesn’t know what to do but is super super excited and can’t wait to see what the future holds and so on and so forth. (That was a horrible, grammatically incorrect run-on sentence, but we had to do it to illustrate Sean’s stream of consciousness.) Anyway, this part was a snoozefest, which is why we weren’t paying attention for most of it.

We wanted to marry our high school sweethearts, too … in high school.

As Sean and Lindsay were having a romantic shopping and bug-eating date, Sean mentioned that he felt like he was with his high school sweetheart. I mean, that’s adorable and everything, but it also seemed like a red flag to us. Most people don’t marry their high school sweetheart. They outgrow them. You start wanting different things, and eventually, you part ways. It seems very fitting though that Sean views Lindsay as a “high school sweetheart” type. Their relationship is a little bit immature and reminds us of young, puppy love.

Sean and Lindsay went to Thailand and played with all the little birdies and the little monkeys!

How could we not use Janis Ian’s quote for this scene? Classic. But really, those monkeys were so dang cute! We would’ve tried to steal one and take it home.

Depth and maturity isn’t exactly Lindsay’s strong suit.

…Even though Sean thinks it is. There were so many times Lindsay had this blank stare that screamed, “Nothing is going on up there right now!” Por ejemplo (that means “for example” for all you non-Spanish speakers), when Lindsay was attempting to tell Sean she loved him, there was this extraordinarily long pause. You know nothin’ was goin’ on up there for a solid 10 seconds. Then, there was the moment when Sean asked Lindsay to read the fantasy suite card. Her face made it look like she was thinking, “Ughh. Words. I never know how to pronounce those things.” Oh, we could go on and on with the Lindsay jokes. She gives us so much material.

“Goodnight, Thailand,” Lindsay said happily.

“Goodnight moon. Goodnight room. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight monkeys. Goodnight stars in the sky. Goodnight ocean. Goodnight bugs. Goodnight clocks. And goodnight socks. Goodnight, Chris Harrison. Goodnight, Sean.” This adapted version of the popular children’s book, “Goodnight Moon,” is brought to you by Lindsay Yenter.

Sean used to be busy chasing other things.

During their date, AshLee and Sean had a conversation about why they’re still single after all these years. AshLee responds by emphasizing how it’s always been important to her not to rush into things, to which we reply, “…says the girl who got married at 17.” Sean then answers the question, saying he’s not married because, in his early to mid 20s, he was busy chasing other things. And by “chasing other things,” he probably means he was chasing tail. I mean, what else does a guy do in his early 20s? If this indeed true, then that would explain the “born again” part of his born-again virgin-ness.

I want a ring. No, I want a diamond ring. No, I want a ring with diamonds encrusted all the way around the band. Oh, and my ring size is six and a half.

When AshLee started telling Sean what type of ring she wanted and what size she was, we just lost it. Like, OK crazy! That’s a surefire way to scare a guy off and make him think you’re the clingy obsessive type. AshLee telling Sean what kind of ring she wants is like the equivalent of Sean saying, “I prefer blowies over handies. Oh, and it’s seven inches long.” That’s (usually) a surefire way to scare a girl off and make her think you only want to sleep with her. See the parallel here? These are things you probably shouldn’t say early on in a relationship.

Sean makes Catherine want to join a children’s musical group.

What else could Catherine have meant when she told Sean via video that he gives her “the wiggles?” We’re unfamiliar with this concept. While she could have meant that Sean gives her butterflies and makes her happy, we’re choosing to believe something different. We’ve surmised that this means Catherine wants to dress up in a pastel-colored turtle neck, along with four other men, and sing and dance to catchy children’s tunes. Oh, Catherine and her free spirit. Bless her heart and her desire to pursue a musical career as a member of The Wiggles.

Ron, come quick! They’ve gone wild. The girls have gone wild.

Of course we’d use a Mean Girls quote to talk about AshLee’s boobs. Did you see those things at the rose ceremony?! They really had gone wild! I mean, holy fake hooters. Those things were everywhere except for in her dress. She really whipped out the big guns as a last-ditch effort. You know Sean was standing up there thinking, “Don’t stare at AshLee’s boobs. Don’t stare at AshLee’s boobs.”

AshLee is ready for a throwdown.

This was a scary moment in Bachelor history. The look AshLee gave when she got eliminated could’ve killed people. Literally, someone could’ve died from that piercing stare. AshLee was devastated, and rightfully so. But seriously, we thought she was about to flip some tables and go all Hulk on us. Actually, we were mildly surprised and severely disappointed that AshLee didn’t start yelling, “I gave you everything! I was half a virgin when I met you!” Then, Lindsay, in an effort to cheer Sean up, could’ve said, “You wanna do something fun? You wanna go to Taco Bell?!” Now THAT would’ve been a perfect ending.

She asked me how to spell orange.

This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.

“Thailand is all around us!” –Lindsay

Surprise! Lindsay has won, yet again. When Lindsay said this, we couldn’t help but let out a condescending scoff. Yes, Lindsay. Thailand is all around you. That is the country you’re in, after all. What else would be all around you?

Also, when Sean and Catherine were reciting multiplication tables, all we could think was, “Lindsay would never be able to play the math multiplying game with Sean.”

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

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