Week 7: Sean Tells All

Tuesday was no ordinary day.

Tuesday was the day Sean would be divulging his best-kept secrets to millions of women who had nothing better to do than to watch Sean divulge his best-kept secrets. Although our beloved Bachelor never made any earth-shattering revelations, he did offer plenty of interesting insights and commentary on his nationally televised journey for love. We somehow doubt Sean really told “all,” but he did tell enough to make this recap at least semi-entertaining. So, here it is: our thoughts on the Sean Tells Some Stuff But Not That Much Stuff special event.

Des, it’s not you, it’s your brother.

This is essentially what Sean was telling Desiree, Chris Harrison and the rest of Bachelor Nation last night. It wasn’t Des’s fault she got sent home. It was her brother’s. Frankly, we can’t really blame Sean for admitting the brother was the deal breaker. Would you want to deal with that fool for the next eight months (roughly the average length of a Bachelor relationship)? We wouldn’t. Then, as if we needed any more confirmation that this guy was a total toolbox, Sean told us that Nate did a complete 180 during their conversation and was complimenting Sean on being “a nice dude.” Um, alright. Anyone else thinking Nate would’ve sat with the burnouts in the Mean Girls cafeteria?

Love is a strong word.

Apparently strong enough to save Lesley from elimination. All she had to do was say those three short words, and she likely would have secured a hometown date, Sean explained. But you know what, we’re glad Lesley didn’t say “I love you.” The sparks obviously weren’t flying during the frolicking and fruit-picking date, so why should Lesley have forced herself to say it just for the sake of the show? Most Bachelor contestants say “I’ve fallen in love” as much as Cady Herron talked behind Regina George’s back, but Lesley broke the status quo and stayed true to her awkward self. Four for you, Lesley Murphy!

Selma and her boobs were poised to win this thing.

Ok, we actually thought this was the most surprising revelation of the night. When Sean admitted he was fairly certain at one point that Selma was “the one,” we were like, “What’d dat boy just say?” Obviously Selma is gorgeous and has a lot of wonderful qualities, but we never once thought she would be the one sitting next to Sean during After the Final Rose. I guess this confession should teach us two things: 1) The Sean Tells All special was somewhat informative and valuable, and 2) Never underestimate the power of the ta-tas.

We now interrupt this recap to inform you…

…that one of our tweets aired on TV! ABC’s test run of broadcasting tweets during Sean Tells All was a success. Well, we thought it was pretty cool at least … for obvious reasons. Also, to all of our new followers who found us due to the airing of said tweet, welcome! We hope you like us.

Tierra was a mistake. The whole thing was a mistake.

…said Sean Lowe. It was music to our ears to hear Sean say, “Tierra may seem like your your typical selfish, backstabbing, slut-faced hoe-bag, but in reality, she is so much more than that.” Well, he didn’t exactly say that, but we can all surmise he was thinking it. But in all seriousness, seeing Sean talk about Tierra openly and honestly was very refreshing. Sean even went so far as to say that he would’ve kept Jackie over Tierra had he known what was unfolding, which is really saying a lot. Tierra is just not at a maturity level where she can handle stressful situations, especially ones that involve interacting with 25 other women. I mean, really, her eyebrow even got stressed out and started acting up.

There is so much we didn’t know!

Catherine can fit in extremely small spaces, such as inside the wheel of a giant snowmobile. Daniella does a really funny impersonation of Chris Harrison. Lesley and Sean had a really kinky brownie-eating session. Sean rubbed his face all over Selma’s in an attempt to satisfy his intense desire to kiss her. The historic fight known as “Tierra vs. All of the Women” lasted hours upon hours upon hours.

There is so much hilarious footage that we don’t get to see, which is why it would be really awesome if ABC aired a whole special dedicated to showing bloopers and deleted scenes. Or they could at least post more of them online for our viewing pleasure.

That is all. Be sure to check out our recap of the hometown dates if you haven’t gotten a chance to do so.

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

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