This week’s episode was wonderful. Absolutely, splendidly wonderful. From AshLee’s unexpected revelation to Tierra’s dramatic exit, we loved every minute of what The Bachelor had to offer us on Monday. We’ve got a lot to cover this week, so let’s get busy!
There’s a cougar in St. Croix!
It’s been roaming through neighborhoods and busy tourist areas looking for its next young, male victim to snatch up. It’s old and lonely — pathetic even! The cougar is … AshLee? Ok, in all seriousness, what is wrong with being 32 and single? According to Tierra, a whole lot. This episode started out with Tierra criticizing AshLee for being in her 30s and without a husband. She then proceeded to make several unfunny jokes about AshLee being a cougar. Tierra could not be more wrong. It is perfectly acceptable for a woman of AshLee’s age to be single, and for anyone who says otherwise, well, shame on them. Frankly, we wouldn’t be surprised if a single or divorced Tierra became the mayor of Cougar Town in 20 years, so she needs to can it.
AshLee had a kid in high school…
Nah, just kidding. She only decided to get married as a high school junior … no big deal. Actually, this was kind of a big deal. We were pretty shocked. And the best part of this whole situation was that she tied the knot to get away from her parents! Forgive us, but didn’t we all get in horrible fights with our mom and dream about moving out in high school? That seems like a fairly extreme way to deal with your family and home life problems. But hey, we have to give AshLee credit for revealing her teenage blunder and telling Sean how she grew from it. That takes quite a bit of courage.
Tierra is having the best day EVARRR!
Tierra finally got a one-on-one date with Sean, and it was magical. They got to talk and dance and go shopping and eat snow cones. It was SO much fun. Tierra said she was having the best day ever and she … wait a minute. Wasn’t Tierra just complaining the day before about her date activity? We could’ve sworn she was all like, “It’s going to be hot. And my face is going to melt off. And I’m totally going to sweat. I really like boating and being on the water, so I really thought we would be doing something like that.” Tierra is miserable. She gets off on complaining and making everyone else around her miserable too. As it turns out, she ended up enjoying shopping and spending the day out on the town. But it just wouldn’t be like Tierra if she didn’t whine about everything, so we understand.
America, this is why we’re hated internationally.
Because we think we can interrupt a cultural parade and be the center of attention everywhere we go. The St. Croix-ians were in the middle of their song and dance number when Sean and Tierra wandered right into the middle of it to do the Rumba. All the other spectators were being respectful and standing off to the side. Why were Sean and Tierra the exception? Typical Americans (insert non-serious, witty tone here).
Catherine just needs to pee and she’s good to go.
Next up: the group date! This week’s activity, which included Des, Lindsay and Catherine, featured a sunrise-to-sunset road trip around the island with stops at major landmarks. The only problem was how the day started. Sean woke the women up at an ungodly time, decided to cruelly take pictures of them at their most unpleasant hour and then proceeded to give them a mere five minutes to get ready. Of course, the women were rushing around like maniacs … except naturally gorgeous, low-maintenance Catherine over here. She just needed to pee and she was good to go.
Sean needs to get away to talk with Lesley because he doesn’t like her.
Poor Lesley. She drew the “let’s keep it low-key and just talk” date card. This is never a good sign. No date activity on a one-on-one means the Bachelor has some serious questions and is unsure about his relationship with you. As suspected, this was the case with Lesley. Sean was in doubt about their connection, and therefore, had to eliminate any rock climbing trips or sailboat rides that may distract him from his mission. Unfortunately, this not-so-glamorous fruit-picking date didn’t help Lesley’s cause. Her awkward pauses and lack of romantic gestures gave Sean just enough clarity to realize she wasn’t the one.
MixandMatchMama is here!
Surprise! Sean’s lovely sister, Shay (@MixandMatchMama), came to St. Croix for a visit! Not only was it incredibly obvious that good genes run in the Lowe family, but it was also obvious that Shay had some great advice to offer her brother. In fact, at one point, we’re almost sure she started yelling, “Break their hearts! All of them! Throw them to the wolves! They’ll be fine, just like you were, Sean!” Well, we might be exaggerating a bit, but she certainly wasn’t holding anything back. We’re glad she came because, in all likelihood, she was the most influential in terms of Sean’s final decision on Tierra.
We love references to buses.
All this talk between AshLee and Tierra about getting thrown under the bus made us extremely happy. Why? Because we love Mean Girls! This episode was right up our alley (or bus route). Since Tierra was already getting thrown under the bus, we thought, “Hey, why not get hit by one too, Regina George-style?” We’ll even provide her with a spinal halo for the upcoming Spring Fling Dance.
“I can’t control my eyebrow!”
Right at the peak of AshLee and Tierra’s epically heated fight, Tierra whipped out the quote of the season in response to AshLee’s comment about her snarky facial expressions. “That’s my face! I can’t help it! I haven’t had Botox. I can’t control my eyebrow! I cannot control what’s on my face 24/7!” *Pause for laughter* Oh. My. God. This was awesome. There are so many jokes to be made that we don’t even know where to begin. We just have one question for Tierra: So you agree? You think
you’re really pretty your eyebrow is really wonky?
The producers should’ve played the Jaws theme song as Sean was walking to get Tierra.
As the fight raged on, Sean was making his way back to the hotel to get Tierra and take her to meet his sister. It was like this constant back and forth between Tierra yelling louder and louder and Sean getting closer and closer. So, we thought it would be fitting if the Jaws theme song started playing. Tierra is like the oblivious swimmer just going about her business, and Sean is the (nice) shark creeping toward the unsuspecting swimmer. Every time the camera goes back to Sean walking, the music would get progressively louder. DUH DUN! DUH DUN! DUH DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN! And then BAM! Sh*t hits the fan.
Tierra, go to your cot and think about what you did!
Surprisingly, Tierra actually did listen to AshLee. She went to her cot. And she wept. And wept. But no tears came out. Then, Sean appeared and said, “What, sad girl? What is your problem? Why you always act like this?” Needless to say, the AshLee-Tierra fight did not end in the latter’s favor.
This little sparkle of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine! But for realz, what is “sparkle?” What were Tierra’s parents trying to accomplish with the whole “sparkle” idea? Was that like their way of trying to tell Tierra her immaturity and narcissism is acceptable? Is Tierra trying to convince herself that her attitude problem just means she’s special and unique? This childish concept honestly should’ve made Tierra feel embarrassed. It is a major red flag when a 24-year-old talks about their “sparkle.” Tierra was right. She doesn’t act like a high schooler. She acts like a third grader.
She asked me how to spell orange.
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.
“I didn’t even get to shave my armpit!” –Lindsay
Lindsay has been the feature of this section a number of times, much to our amusement. As she was rushing out the door for the group date, Lindsay uttered this quote and proceeded to lift up her arm and stare right at her pit, almost as if she was talking to it. So, of course, we were wondering, “Just the one? You shaved your other armpit but not that one? Why would you leave one armpit unshaved?” Only Lindsay.
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