Be still, our hearts. A special two-night Bachelor event is just what we needed to interrupt the doldrums of regular life. These episodes had it all: stalking, awful poems and a couple of girls relieving a goat–and that was all in the first night! Our mega-recap covers every twist and turn of the greatest Monday-Tuesday combo of the year.
No one wants to go to Montana.
Montana is nice. Montana is pretty. Montana is freakin’ freezing. When Chris Harrison told the girls to pack their bags, visions of beaches and European vacations danced in their heads. But, alas, they were taking a bus, not a jet and they were going to … Montana? Ouch. That’s like hinting to us that we’re getting some sort of blingy accessory and giving us a rhinestone belt instead of a diamond necklace. It’s vacation blue balls.
If Lesley is the Regina George of the Plastics, Lindsay is Karen.
There’s at least a 95 percent chance that Lindsay has asked someone how to spell orange at some point during her life. Lindsay is nice and sweet and potentially perfect for Sean. We’re not hating on Lindsay, but seriously, who says “When I was an adolescent, the war started…?” She sounded like a grandmother sharing tales about her experience during World War II. Despite the fact that Lindsay is kind of silly and has probably said the word “irregardless” before, we still like her. When she told the camera, “He likes me!” in disbelief, we thought it was pretty sweet. Lindsay can stay. We approve.
When in Montana, do as the Montana-ans do.
Which is paddle canoes, bale hay, saw wood and drink warm goat’s milk, apparently. Although we’re not exactly sure what this proved to Sean, it made one thing very clear to us: these girls would not last 15 seconds on Survivor. As the girls tried to paddle the canoes, Chris Harrison watched like Principal Duval watched the fighting unfold after the Burn Book was exposed. Chris Harrison, observing Bachelor havoc since we were in middle school.
No, Sean, you don’t get it. You didn’t chug goat milk.
When Sean brings back the blue team for the group date party, the red team is 50 Shades of Angry. This unexpected decision–Daniella was half-drunk when the date card arrived–did not sit well with Desiree and she was not shy about letting Sean know. Des was not happy when AshLee interrupted her one-on-one time, but she really should thank the personal organizer for her interruption. Sean wouldn’t have put up with her complaining much longer and AshLee unwittingly kept her from making what could have been a crucial mistake. It’s clear that someone, or multiple people, on the blue team have caught Sean’s attention. It appears that the red team’s days are numbered.
Tierra stole someone’s blue plaid shirt. Then she snuck into the group date. Then she crept up behind Sean and covered his eyes. Then she bound his hands with barbed wire. Oh, wait, that last thing didn’t happen? Could have fooled us. Cue the horror movie music, Tierra is on the hunt.
Jackie, will you please tell Sean his hair looks sexy pushed back?
Tierra is a deplorable human being, yet poor Jackie didn’t stand a chance on that two-on-one date. Tierra dangled her connection with Sean in front of Jackie every chance she got, and that’s just not cool. We half expected Tierra to say, “Sean, why do you wear your hair like that? Your hair looks so sexy pushed back. Jackie, will you please tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back?” Jackie really should have leaped across the table and brawled with Tierra, just like Cady imagined doing to Regina George. In girl world, though, you have to be sneaky, so Jackie decided to talk about Tierra behind her back. The saddest part is that Jackie was the one girl who was able to articulate to Sean exactly what Tierra was doing behind his back in a way that directly impacted him. Unfortunately, she ended up becoming another casualty from the Tierra-nado.
“That is the kind of stuff I need to know”… so I can send you home.
Sean keeps saying that he wants to avoid drama and focus on building relationships with authentic girls, yet he puts the figurative earmuffs on when it comes to Tierra. He hears the complaints, but he doesn’t really listen. He wants the women to be honest with him, yet sends them home when they try to discuss Tierra with him. He’s a walking contradiction when it comes to Tierra. Sean even walked by as Tierra berated Robyn–something he could see and hear in person–and that didn’t change his mind about her. We really, really hope Sean comes to his senses soon, because he’s getting dangerously close to missing out on some great potential wives to entertain some catty girl who is better suited for starting a fight in a nightclub than partaking in domestic bliss.
Desiree is too smart for this show.
We’re not sure that Des is perfect for Sean, but we’re darn tootin’ positive that she’s entirely too intelligent for this show. Desiree was the only one with the backbone to say to Sean’s face how disappointing it was to have to share the group date with the blue team. She’s openly said that she doesn’t agree with his decisions and, frankly, doesn’t understand how he can make them. We like Des, but these appear to be huge red flags, especially because there are other women who are perfectly willing to blindly go along with what Sean says. We don’t necessarily have a problem with that, but Des has shown that she stands up for what she wants and we’re just not sure if she is compatible with Sean in the long run.
It was nice knowing you, Robyn.
Oh, Robyn. We’ll always remember your awesome face plant on the first night. Don’t quit your day job, because you are just not cut out for tumbling. We thank you for offering Sean “a taste of chocolate,” because you proved to women everywhere that corny pickup lines are still dumb. If you don’t like it when a guy tries to use a line on you, don’t use a line on a guy. And finally, Robyn, we salute you for threatening to turn this show into the Bad Girl’s Club, but sweetie, you’ve got the wrong channel on your dial. We have a feeling you’ll have a thing or two to tell Sean about at the Women Tell All and we can’t wait.
We interrupt this programming for a 22-hour halftime.
What’s better than one night of the Bachelor? Two nights of the Bachelor, duh! We nearly passed out during the preview for the rest of the season because it just looks so. darn. exciting. Luckily, we didn’t have to wait long to get another Bachelor fix, because night two of the Bachelor Bowl was just around the corner…
We’re going to Canada, eh!
We open this episode with a trip to the land of mounties where the elk roam. Yup, the Texan and his ladies are going to Canada, y’all! The first thing we noticed? These girls look COLD. We would have sat there and wondered what sort of dates they could concoct to really highlight everything that Canada has to offer, but then we realized that we’d already seen all dates in the 1,436 previews they’d shown us on Monday. Needless to say, there would be no surprises on these dates.
Daniella has the sadz.
This girl just will not stop crying. She’s crying on the group dates, she’s crying in the mansion, she probably cries when she wakes up in the morning and she probably cries when she goes to sleep at night. We get it Daniella, you want a one-on-one date. We want this for you, as well. But you know what? Sometimes we can’t always get what we want, so put on your big girl pants, dry your eyes, take another shot and do us all a solid and give Tierra a good kick in the pants, okay?
Catherine ups the ante on everyone’s sob story.
We can’t recall a season that had so many contestants with tragic tales. It seems like every week a contestant opens up in a way that is more tragic than the last. Sean has also proven that he’s kind of a softie (not that we’re complaining … real men cry). Whenever a girl cries, they get a rose. The strongest women with the most heartbreaking tales seem to hold their tears at bay, though. We’ve said multiple times throughout the season that Sean has a great group of women to pick from. Each of them have shown that strength can get you through hardships and make you into a better person.
Apparently, it’s necessary to prove one’s love to Sean by submerging oneself in freezing cold water.
We get it, Sean. You want someone outdoorsy and adventurous. But we’re gonna go out on a limb here and assume you want to marry a woman instead of a polar bear or a penguin, so we’re not really sure the Polar Bear Plunge was necessary. Poor AshLee bit the bullet and did it, while Selma sat on the sidelines and eventually got [SPOILER ALERT, although you probably already know this, dear reader] sent home. Did anyone get hypothermia (besides Tierra, who doesn’t really count ’cause she’s half Satan)? Not really. But did we get to witness one of the greatest acting jobs in reality TV history? Oh, yes.
Can you win an Emmy for faking hypothermia?
Because Tierra should definitely win. In fact, they should create this category just for this year, only nominate Tierra in the category, give her the award and then shut down the category because there’s no way we will ever see a performance as epic as this ever again. She had the chattering teeth. She had the running mascara. She even got someone to put her socks on for goodness sake! She fooled a lifeguard! She got someone to bring her a Big Mac! She was just sitting on her bed, eating a hamburger, with perfect hair and makeup and popped in her oxygen tube when Sean showed up! If that’s not acting, well, we don’t know what else to call it. This girl deserves all the awards and possibly an acting contract instead of a rose.
Sean breaks Sarah’s heart … in the nicest way possible.
Poor, poor Sarah. She was blindsided by Sean’s private dumping. We commend him for letting her go immediately, but her tears made us tear up a little bit. We’ve all been there … people tell you you’re great and you’re wonderful and who wouldn’t be lucky to have you, trying to let you down gently even though they know you’re heartbroken. Sometimes they say it to your face and other times they just say it through their actions, but it hurts just the same. Sarah is the every-girl– she just wants some guy to love her no matter what and be her best friend and biggest supporter. We feel for you, Sarah. Your guy is out there … maybe ABC will even hand-pick 25 potential suitors for you this summer (If you’re wondering if that was a not-so-vague reference to the Bachelorette, well, YOU’RE RIGHT. Good reading comprehension, your parents must be proud.)
Hint: Don’t get out of the helicopter when it drops you on a really high object.
Every time Sean takes these women on a helicopter ride or transports them using some sort of flying object, they end up dropped on some raised object that they have to climb down (or in Selma’s case, have to climb up). These aren’t dates, these are challenges. Dates are supposed to be fun and romantic, not involve potential death or someone hanging onto a rock held up only by a tiny little string that could snap like a rubber band and send you flying through the air like you’ve been shot out of a cannon. This isn’t the time for you to check things off your bucket list, buddy. Desiree does NOT want to scale that mountain and you know what? Putting the food at the bottom is super cruel, because you know that girl is hungry. They only get to eat if they get hypothermia or get a date so that’s just not fair. Show a little respect, Sean, not only for Desiree’s hunger pains, but also the fact that not everyone has a death wish.
Sean trims the fat.
We’re down to the nitty gritty here. Selma and Daniella got the boot. Daniella’s elimination wasn’t that surprising. She really didn’t stand a chance at this point. Selma’s elimination was shocking initially, but after a little bit more consideration, it kind of makes sense. Sean has formed some great connections with a number of contestants and cuts are going to have to be made. It’s just too bad that he eliminated Selma immediately after she shamed her entire family on national TV. He probably should have stopped her before she kissed him.
She asked me how to spell “orange.”
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.
“Is that a dog??” –Unknown
We suspect that Daniella gave us this little gem, but we can’t be certain. All we know is that there is at least one person in this world who can’t tell the difference between a dog and a goat and this deeply perplexes us. How do you make it to your mid-20s and not know this crucial difference? Can’t you tell by the noises they make? The hooves? Anything? Bueller? If you can’t tell the difference between a goat and a dog, society has failed you.
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