Week 4: Holy moly, Batman!

Well, this episode sure was a doozie! There were tears, medical emergencies and loads of drama … kind of like last week, only so much better! The fights are getting scrappier, the girls are getting crazier and Tierra’s wonky eyebrow seems to be getting wonkier. That being said though, some real connections are starting to form, which means Sean’s decisions are only getting tougher. We have a lot to get to this week, so let’s get busy!

Selma wants to be seen as more than just a pretty face. Then we find out she’s just a pretty face.

Sean explained that he purposely picked an athletic, outdoorsy date for Selma to see if she could be comfortable doing something out of her element. Well, he got his answer. She wasn’t. Disregard the fact that she got a rush of adrenaline midway through the rock climbing adventure. That doesn’t count. Selma was less than excited to be participating in an activity of the athletic variety, and it was obvious she would’ve preferred a date that involved high-priced cocktails and air conditioning. Don’t believe us? Maybe some of Selma’s one-liners will convince you…

“I’m getting puffy.”

“I don’t do well in heat.”

“…This should be interesting.”

“Are we taking a helicopter up there?”

And this gem…

Sean: “What kind of shoes do you normally wear?”

Selma: “Six-inch heels.”

Selma may be cut out for a relationship with Sean, but she certainly is not cut out for the great outdoors.

Selma can’t kiss. Selma can’t date. Selma can’t be seen in public.

Well then why, oh pray tell, did she come on The Bachelor? This show involves three things: kissing, dating and doing both of the aforementioned actions on national television. This is seriously a head-scratcher. How did she envision this situation panning out? Has she ever seen this show before? I mean, perhaps this is a bit bold, but Selma’s mom is already ticked off that she went on the show to begin with. Why not just go all in now? It’s like a little kid who steals a cookie from the cookie jar but then decides not to eat it. Why? You already did something to anger your parents. May as well finish the deed and take what you came to get.

Lindsay hopes the group date involves getting into a giant hamster ball and rolling down a hill.

Sorry to disappoint, Lindsay. It doesn’t. We’re not even sure where she came up with this wacky idea. Nonetheless, a manly-sounding, Kathy Griffin lookalike tells the women they’re going to play the most lesbianic sport ever: roller derby. This could’ve gotten real interesting, but it didn’t. Sarah was having a tough time, Amanda fell down and broke her face, and the girls were whining, so Sean called off the whole event. The gang skated to Foolish Heart, the Kathy Griffin lookalike was sorely disappointed, and the rest is history.

How could the other women hate Tierra? She was such a good … SLUT!

We hate Tierra. We hate her! She may seem like your typical selfish, backstabbing, slut-faced-hoe-bag, but in reality, she’s so much more than that. Tierra is annoying, immature, fake, dramatic, narcissistic … we could go on and on. Like the rest of Bachelor Nation, we were yelling at our television as Tierra proceeded to bash every single woman on the group date. Not only was she entirely incorrect, but she was also inadvertently describing herself in the process. It’s actually kind of pathetic to watch Tierra because she thinks she’s playing the game smart, but she’s really pretty bad at it. Courtney Robertson executed this strategy in a much more effective manner.

Tierra didn’t want a sympathy rose, so she decided to accept a sympathy rose.

In the middle of her narcissistic fit, Tierra made it very clear that she did not want a sympathy rose. She only wanted the rose if Sean truly wanted to give it to her. If it wasn’t based on true feelings and a mutual connection, she would take her ball and go home, she explained. However, that is not what happened. Although he probably wouldn’t admit it, Sean felt bad after hearing Tierra’s whining, crying and complaining, so he gave her the rose out of pity. Then, Tierra went on to ignore her own ultimatum and accept a sympathy rose. She flashed an evil “I got my way” smile to the camera, wiped away her fake tears and went on her merry way. The worst part of this whole story? Sean has his blinders on! He can’t see past her womanly wiles! If Sean’s 4-year-old niece, Kensington, can see how fake Tierra is, why can’t he?

Holy moly, Batman!

After the group date drama, it’s time for Leslie H.’s one-on-one date, and boy, is she excited! In fact, she’s so excited that she can only express her elation by repeatedly exclaiming, “Holy moly, Batman!” Leslie reads the date card. Holy moly, Batman! Leslie gets a nice pair of earrings. Holy moly, Batman! Leslie gets to shop on Rodeo Drive. Holy moly, Batman! She said it more times than that, but we’ll stop to spare your sanity.

“You really didn’t see any romance at all?”

So, how did Leslie’s date end? Well, let’s just say she certainly wasn’t as excited at the end of it as she was at the beginning. Sean told Leslie he just wasn’t feeling a connection, to which Leslie replies, “You really didn’t see any romance at all?” Awkward. Sean was like, “Umm … nope, not really. I actually have to give Neil Lane that necklace back though, soo can I awkwardly help you take it off?” After Leslie manages to get the necklace off, she employs the most awesome Bachelor castoff strategy there is: the “If I’m going down, I’m taking the other girls with me” strategy. We see no problem with this. You’re leaving the show anyway, so why not word vomit whatever’s on your mind? We can appreciate a girl who goes down fighting. On a semi-unrelated note, the elimination of Leslie H. made us think to ourselves, “Wait. Sean ISN’T crazy about someone? Holy moly, Batman!”

Ben Taylor was going to sing for Sean and Leslie H.

According to some of our followers and others on Twitter, this was apparently a big deal. However, we cared about this guest appearance as much as Cady cared about the fertility vase of the Ndebele tribe. It means nothing to us. Sorry, not sorry Ben Taylor fans.

You get a rose! And you get a rose! EVERYBODY GETS A ROSE!

Ok, not really. But geez, Sean sure is “crazy about” a lot of the women, and we’re only four weeks into this thing! He’s crazy about Lesley M. He really likes AshLee. He’s diggin’ Desiree. He could picture Selma being “the one.” He’s crazy about Catherine. And the list goes on and on to include pretty much everyone except Daniella. He better start sorting his feelings out soon, right?

Amanda had to walk home.

Did you guys notice that there wasn’t a limo waiting for her outside the mansion? She just started walking down the driveway and into the darkness. We hope she got home safe.

She asked me how to spell “orange.”
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.

Lindsay takes the cake this week with this gem: “I think we’re getting into giant hamster balls and rolling down a hill.” What? Lindsay, Sean is looking for a wife, not a pet. This is why the group date did not consist of this strange activity. Although, this comment did make us wonder. If this had been the group date activity, would Amanda have claimed that she was experienced in hamster ball rolling, as well? Just some food for thought.

Don’t forget all new episodes air both Monday and Tuesday. See you crazies next week!

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

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