Week 3: Tierra takes a tumble

It’s been quite a week for Sean and his potential brides. From world records to meddling contestants to a potential hospital visit, Sean and his ladies have had a week to remember. We’re three weeks into the “journey” folks, and there’s a lot to take in. Here are the highlights and lowlights from this week’s episode.

Lesley supports the Bachelor drinking game.

Our girl Lesley dropped so many clichés this episode, we could barely keep track of them all. From telling America she couldn’t wait to “take the relationship to the next level” and that she was on her “journey for love,” Lesley word vomited every single overdone Bachelor cliché in the book. Do they give these girls a handbook of phrases to work into their interviews? If we had participated in the Bachelor drinking game, we would have been plastered by the time the group date hit.

Chris Harrison runs the confetti cannon.

Confetti here. Confetti there. Confetti was shooting everywhere during Sean and Lesley’s one-on-one date. All we could picture during this was Chris Harrison, running around with a maniacal grin on his face, shooting confetti out of a contraption that resembled a T-shirt gun. We could practically hear the confetti explosion. Also, did anyone else notice that Chris looked like he was hitting on the girls watching Sean and Lesley make out? Chris is such a little skeeze.

One time, Lesley punched me in the face. It was awesome.

How do we even begin to explain Lesley M. (and her stellar high school years)? She is flawless. We hear she has two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus. She does car commercials … in Japan. Her favorite movie is Varsity Blues. One time, she met John Stamos on a plane and he told her she was pretty. Sean Lowe agrees with John Stamos.

ESPN probably won’t be airing Bachelor volleyball anytime soon.

This was, without a doubt, the worst volleyball game we have ever witnessed. Daniella checked out when she realized alcohol wasn’t involved. Every time the ball came to Tierra, she either slapped it to the ground, wiffed at it or pushed it away. Kristy, Taryn and Leslie H. put way too much stock in this game and were more dejected after their loss than Notre Dame was after getting blown out in the national championship. Our personal favorite part was when Taryn declared this “the most important volleyball game of her life.” Really, Taryn? A beach volleyball game that involves potentially winning a date during which you have to split the attention of one man among six women is the most important of your life? You must not get out much.

Kacie, the girl who has been on this show twice, breaks the most important Bachelor rule.

Kacie, Kacie, Kacie. You, of all people, should understand that one must NEVER insert themselves into a tiff between other girls. One must also never bring this tiff to the attention of the Bachelor. You get involved in other people’s bidness, you get sent home. In each of the past two seasons, Kacie has started out totally sane and gone completely off the rails. If she is a potential candidate to be the next Bachelorette, we are beginning to seriously worry about her ability to handle it. Girl, get yo act together, because Sean does not have time for this ish.

Tierra is “injured” under mysterious circumstances.

There’s not much to say about Tierra. She pitched herself down the stairs in an effort to get Sean’s undivided attention. That’s pathetic.

AshLee wears the most inappropriate outfit of all time to a theme park.

Oh, AshLee. Although your outfit was entirely inappropriate for a theme park excursion, you redeemed yourself with your great attitude during your date. You and Sean made those girls’ year and we commend both of you for showing that you can still be on reality TV and have a giving heart. And by giving, we mean charitable. Not Courtney-Robertson-skinny-dipping giving.

Thank God this isn’t Catfish.

Was anyone else a little worried that these girls were going to be surprised when they met the other? This just goes to show that, sometimes, beautiful things can happen via the Internet. The person on the other end of the computer screen isn’t always some misleading psycho. This story had a happy ending and we loved it. This was, by far, our favorite date of the season.

Elan’s hair is so big because it’s full of theme park stuffed animals.

Sean and AshLee won basically every possible stuffed animal for their honored guests. We spotted every single animal on Earth in their arms … a tiger, a teddy bear, a velociraptor. If it has ever been placed in a claw machine or hung from a giant net over a ring toss game, it was won by AshLee and Sean. The best part? In the very next scene, merely seconds later, all of the stuffed animals that Sean, AshLee and the girls were holding/wearing on their heads were gone. We suspect that Elan, one of The Bachelor producers (@theyearofelan and @ElansHair), stored them all in his glorious mane for safe-keeping.

Real men cry.

Sean put on a tutorial of how to cry and still look manly. As AshLee told him about her adoption, he cried the most manly tears of all time. He tried to hide them, but he couldn’t and we can’t fault him for that. AshLee’s incredible story and positive attitude caused us to tear up a little bit, too. With each tear that Sean shed, he endeared himself to us and the rest of America. Who says a man can’t be hot, kind AND have feelings?

The women are in heat.

We could barely keep up with the rapid man-stealing that was going on during this episode’s cocktail party. Nearly every woman stepped up and took a crack at stealing Sean away from someone else. It was like watching the animals by the watering hole when they’re in heat. Basically, The Bachelor has become an analogy for the African jungle. Only the strong survive.

Why was Sean breathing like Darth Vader when he picked up the first rose?

Because he was really excited to send Kacie B. home, of course! When Kacie started to meddle, it was obvious Sean was relieved to finally have an excuse to send her packing. Chris Harrison even said so. Sean was a perfect gentleman when he broke the news to her, but Kacie still acted blindsided. But it’s cool now, y’all, because she’s dating Ty Brown from Ali Fedotowsky’s season! See, every story has a happy ending!

She asked me how to spell “orange.”
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.

Selma has barely spent five minutes with Sean, but she dropped the line of the night when she declared how much she missed him. Don’t you have to spend time with someone to miss them? How do you miss someone you’ve barely even kissed — or connected with at all? We were scratching our heads at this one.

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

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