Week 2: Free fallin’

Jambo!

The second episode of every Bachelor season always reminds us that this show isn’t just about a bunch of fools getting slammered in a fancy house. It’s about love, people, and this week, Sean made some serious strides in finding his future wife. We soaked in every moment of the episode and now, we’re prepared to break it all down for you, starting from the beginning.

Sarah gets the one-on-one

Sarah seems like the sweetest girl and we were thrilled she got the first one-on-one date. And, of course, the Bachelor producers sent a helicopter to pick her up. After 25 seasons, we’re at that point where any mode of transportation other than a helicopter is a major surprise. It’s also nice to know that the Bachelor producers are doing their part to help the economy by keeping the helicopter companies near the mansion in business. You’re great Americans, Bachelor producers. We salute you.

Of course, this wouldn’t be the Bachelor if Sean just took Sarah to a boring old dinner and a movie. Nope, Sean wants to free fall over 30 stories to drink a glass of champagne. If Ben had asked us to do this, we would have quit on the spot, but Sean’s a different story. If Sean had said, “Hey, walk across some hot coals, wrestle an alligator and then we can have a real conversation,” we would have probably done it. Falling hundreds of feet is a piece of cake, compared to that. Sarah took the plunge and got the rose–and a closed-mouth kiss. From our experience, a closed-mouth kiss might as well be the kiss of death. We don’t expect Sarah to make it too much further.

The group date

Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Lesley M., Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Kacie B. and Tierra were the lucky Baker’s dozen to be selected for the first group date of the season, and it involved getting cozy with Sean while the others looked on. Kristy was incredibly excited about this and screamed, “I’m going on a date!”. Kristy, these group dates are more like field trips, only your entire class is made up of women trying to steal your boyfriend.

The best part of this date is that it’s the beginning of Tierra’s psychotic breakdown. Even Robyn is bashing her and Sean appears to be noticing her bad attitude. When Sean implies that she might not have a catty side, even Tierra was surprised. Hey, Sean, when a girl is surprised you say she isn’t catty this means she is catty. Cut her before she drags you down.

Group dates are horrible for the girls on them, but pure gold to watch, primarily because it gives the women ample time to get hammered and gossip. The two drinking queens of this date? Daniella and Kacie B. Kacie B. managed to get the rose despite the fact that she was giggling every five minutes and her eyes were drooping. And Daniella…well, Daniella has pretty much been drunk since she got out of the limo the first night.

It’s also worth noting that for the first time in Bachelor history, we actually saw somebody eat. Tierra was shoveling food in her mouth like she’d just returned from being stranded in a desert. This is important to us because we are always hungry, and if we were ever asked to be on this show, we would definitely insist upon regular meals.

This group date ended when Katie decided to leave. This affected exactly no one, especially Sean. We give her props for recognizing this wasn’t for her, but she also didn’t make enough of an impact to be missed by anyone.

Desiree gets the second one-on-one

We all know Sean has a killer sense of humor to go along with his killer body, but he really showed us his lighthearted side when he pulled a prank on Desiree. It’s obviously crucial to him that his future wife can hang with the best of them and Desiree certainly proved that. It was clear she didn’t care at all about the artwork and we can’t blame her–Sean’s basically a real life Statue of David. She handled Sean’s prank with a positive and won major points from Sean. Sean rewarded her with the closest possible thing to a real date by making her a steak dinner that she didn’t eat.

Then Sean brings out the big guns, meaning that, well, he took his shirt off and joined Desiree in the hot tub. At this point, shouldn’t that hot tub be considered a public health hazard? We mean, this happened in it. We wouldn’t get in that hot tub without a Hazmat suit on. It’s like Coach Carr said, “At your age, you’re going to be having a lot of urges. You’re going to want to take your clothes off and touch each other. But if you do touch each other, you will get chlamydia. And die.” You’ll especially die if you make out in the Bachelor hot tub.

Cocktail party!

This is our favorite part of every episode, especially early in the season. Just when we think we’ve figured out every contestant, a few pop up and surprise us. Lindsay did some major damage control and is much easier to handle when she’s sober and in normal clothes. She hit it off with Sean and we’re hoping she sticks around for at least a few more episodes.

That brings us to Amanda. Apparently, Amanda was worried she might not get a rose, so she had two affixed to her shoulder blades. She won’t talk to the other girls and is fake nice to Sean. She’s also probably a hipster and we don’t think Sean is too into hipster.

Robyn also brings up the nagging diversity issue that has been plaguing the show for 25 seasons. Sean answers like a true gentleman and we’re hoping that now we can finally put the diversity issue to bed. Let’s root for love, ya’ll.

The rose ceremony

And then, there were 16. Sean held on to AshLee, Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Lesley M., Selma, Catherine, Kristy, Leslie H., Tierra, Taryn, Daniella and Amanda. We like these selections for a couple of reasons. First of all, Daniella gets to stick around and drink for another day. This is important because Daniella is a full-on hot mess and all-around riot. This girl is pure comedic gold. Second of all, Amanda also got a rose, and now we can do a little more research on whether she will actually speak to any of the other girls in the house. How can you go that long without talking to someone? We have a feeling that Amanda will not be welcome in the Bachelor Alum Facebook group.

She asked me how to spell “orange.”
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.

Oh, Daniella. You’ve captivated us with your slurred words and your drunken, glassy stare. You’re the girl at the bar who eventually passes out in the bathroom. You also don’t know much about mythology, as evidenced by the amount of times you called Hades “the Hades” or “Haiti”. You stay drunk, Daniella. And, for the last time, it’s HADES.

 

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