Week 1: 50 Shades of Cray

The journey has begun, folks. Sean welcomed 25, er … 26, lovely “ladies” into the mansion on Monday, and the first night delivered all the drama and drunken debauchery we’ve come to expect. There is a lot to digest from last night’s premiere, but we have no problem playing Tuesday morning quarterback. Here are the moments that made us say everything from “Oh no she didn’t!” to “Is this real life?”

How many times can The Bachelor producers show Sean shirtless? The limit does not exist.

Well, actually the limit does exist. We got seven wonderful shots of Sean sans his shirt. Slow motion shots. Close ups. Action shots. No muscle was left undiscovered, and Lord, are we thankful for that. Seeing Sean shirtless is like combining the joy of Christmas morning with the satisfaction of seeing Magic Mike for the first time. Sean, thank you for serving as the new Bachelor, and also, thank you for your abs.

America, we suspect you were just part of a focus group.

Does anyone else think ABC brought Arie on the show to test out how viewers would respond to him? We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves here, but we think Arie has serious potential as the next Bachelor. Sean is the classic all-American guy, while Arie has more of an edge, and we’re willing to bet ABC is already looking to see if America likes him enough to become the next guy dishing out the roses.

On a more lighthearted note, we loved the conversation between Sean and Arie during last night’s episode. From the tonsil hockey lessons to the role playing, it was the perfect scene to get us ready for the cocktail party and Sean’s journey for love.

The limo on The Bachelor goes round-and-round, round-and-round…

And we mean this literally. As the women were arriving one-by-one to meet the man of their dreams, we noticed that there was a lot of cackling and screaming going on in that limousine. So this made us wonder, “Do the producers shove all 25 women into the limo all at once like it’s a clown car?” We think the answer to this question is, unequivocally, “yes.” Here’s our theory:  the producers put all 25 women in the limo at once to get the talking, drinking and exchange of jealous glares started as early as possible. Then, the limo drives around in a circle and drops the women off one-by-one. We’re fairly certain this is fact.

Our theory also got us thinking, “What would we do if we were in that limo?” Well, obviously, we would do our best to get all the other women schwasted and put crazy ideas in their heads about how to introduce themselves to Sean. Once we’ve thoroughly convinced them our ideas are golden, we will cackle with glee as they exit the limo and do something stupid like “The Wobble.” One day, someone will employ this tactic. And we will demand full credit for it.

Desiree doesn’t understand that every relationship is different.

Desiree, who is also known as the bridal stylist, seemed to be quite upset upon learning that Kacie from Ben’s season had been chosen as the final contestant. “I don’t think it’s fair,” she exclaimed. “I don’t think it’s fair at all. She had her chance with Ben. What makes her think it will work with Sean?”

Well, Desiree, maybe it will work with Sean because he’s a different person than Ben. You see, relationships differ based on the people involved. Sean has different interests than Ben. He is also more attractive than Ben. This, ultimately, is why Kacie’s relationship with Sean may turn out differently.

AshLee, the personal organizer, tries to categorize all of the roses.

It seems AshLee, who is a personal organizer, has an obsession with organizing and categorizing things, including last night’s roses. Last night’s episode featured a senseless conversation that involved AshLee badgering the hell out of Tierra about her rose. AshLee repeatedly questioned whether Tierra’s rose should be classified as the “First Impression Rose” or just the “first rose.”

AshLee, we like you and all but, who cares? You got a rose early on in the night too, so why does it matter? You don’t have to organize everything into well-defined categories. Tierra got a rose. You got a rose. Stop obsessing over it.

Ashley P. is 50 Shades of Cray.

Ashley P., or Ashley P.T.F.O. as we have dubbed her, is literally insane. She is the epitome of how you should not act on The Bachelor. Sean is a classy guy, but even he couldn’t hide his bewilderment. In fact, Sean earned quote of the night when he told Ashley P.T.F.O., “I also brought a rape whistle in case I’m in trouble.” Very clever, Sean! However, we wouldn’t be surprised if he actually had to use one!

We seriously have no words for the mess that is Ashley P.T.F.O. Her strange dance moves, excessive drinking, loose lips and drunken tumbles were all just too much for us to bear. The best part? In her interview, Ashley P.T.F.O. said, “I have no idea why I’m still single.” Really, Ashley? You have NO idea? You nearly forced a grown man to employ a rape whistle. We mean this in the best way possible, but you need help that The Bachelor just can’t provide.

Sarah is a champ.

In a room full of drunken criers, Sarah handled the night and her unique situation with grace and class. Despite her insecurities, she approached Sean confidently and tackled the situation head on. She told Sean she didn’t want to be viewed as disabled, even though she may not look like the other girls. Bravo, Sarah! You have a lot of things going for you, and we’re rooting for you to go far on the show!

Apparently, there’s a new rose ceremony soundtrack in town.

Is it just us, or is the rose ceremony music getting more and more intense each season? Last night’s soundtrack was particularly ominous and oddly reminiscent of the “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” music that played when the lights dimmed. We know this is a semi-serious situation, but boy, these producers are really laying it on thick.

Sean is who we thought he was. And more.

We expected Sean to be a gracious, courteous Southern gentlemen, and he certainly fulfilled our expectations. He was genuinely kind to every one of the women, even the drunk, crying, obsessive, creepy ones. Sean seems truly excited about this whole experience, and we hope he finds happiness with one of the women in the house, but if he doesn’t, we’ll be here waiting.

So tell us, what did you think about the premiere? Let it all out and put it in the Burn Book. And by Burn Book, we mean the comments section.

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

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